Poem for Everyman

This poem was given out in my class yesterday and I thought it was beautiful and true and wanted to share with the rest of you.

via weheartit.com

I will present you

parts

of

my

self

slowly

if you are patient and tender.

I will open drawers

that mostly stay closed

and bring out places and people and things

sounds and smells, loves and frustrations,

hopes and sadnesses,

bits and pieces of my life

that have been grabbed off in chunks

and found lying in my hands.

They have eaten

their way into my memory,

carves their way into

my heart.

Altogether-you or I will never see them-

they are me.

If you regard them lightly,

deny that they are important

or worse, judge them

I will quietly, slowly

begin to wrap them up,

in a small piece of velvet, 

like worn silver and gold jewelry,

tuck them away

in a small wooden chest of drawers

and close.

-Anonymous

Via weheartit

The Price of Beauty

So I've enjoyed watching the different episodes of Jessica Simpsons documentary show where she travels to different countries and looks at the different cultural definitions of beauty.

This specific one struck out as the complete opposite of what we are told here in America, but still, shines a light that beauty comes in every shape and size.
I thought I would share.

The Price of Beauty

Let me know what you think! :)

Seeking Death I Found Life (Part 3)

There I was, alone, in this unfamiliar place. All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and sleep until I was able to go home. I got into bed and rethought my action. If I stay in bed they'll probably keep me here forever I thought. I looked over at my roommate and she just lay there without movement, as if wanting death to absorb her. I walked over to her bed and I began to talk to her. She had been there for a week, just laying in bed, barely went out even to eat. There was such sorrow in her eyes.We talked for a little bit and then I told her that we couldn't just stay in bed.She looked up at me and smiled.

Together we walked out of the room. I felt intimidated as the halls were crowded with people. I was unaware of what I would encounter in this new place or if I would be safe. Lauren, my roommate, and I sat in the living room as we waited to be called for our lunch trays.

The living room had a kitchen, tv, and a table with seats where we could gather around to talk, read, play cards, color, and eat. The whole room filled as everyone sat down to eat, there I got to know the people I would be staying with for the next few days. There I got to hear the famous question, "What are you in here for?" and I got to hear all their stories. Although they were different, so many were the same. My roommate had been sent there because she had tried committing suicide. The majority of them actually had been there for the same reason. What I found interesting was that the people that even the people who heard voices actually had voices tell them that they were not worth anything that they should kill themselves and the method of suicide. I was amazed.

I realized how much the enemy lies to us! Telling us that we are better off dead!

He had no bias on age, gender, or ethnicity.

As I got to know each person, each person was beautiful and complex.

My heart grew for them, my heart ached for them. I wasn't the only one in pain. There was a room full of people, hearts aching to be loved. Slowly, my old self came out again. I desired to serve them. I would find the smallest ways to show them someone cared, whether serving and refilling them their drinks or giving them an ear. Throughout the days I saw all our relationships transform. One guy had come in all angry, by the end of the time we were there, I saw his heart softened. He began to serve these people, getting them water, offering them his chair, his expression had changed. The simple act of seeing someone else serve him had moved him so much he wanted to do the same for others. We started to work together as a group to help one another, in that crazy place, we became family. 

There was one kid that would never come out of his room, slowly but surely I began to talk to him. Letting him know that no matter what, I was not there to judge him but to be there for him, who am I to judge anyone?

He would tell me how he often heard voices telling him that people were out to get him , or that he should die, or not to listen to what people were saying. I told him of God's love, prayed for him, and read to him the bible. Through that time he began to ask me and another patient to read him the bible or lend him ours. We all tried helping him to not hide alone in his thoughts but to come out and mingle with the rest, so that the voices could not overtake him. By the end of the week he no longer hid in his room and actually became more talkative with others, smiling more often.

There are so many stories I could tell you from the 4 days I was there, but ultimately they all lead to God's love and restoration.

image link

In the midst of that place I found myself again. I was genuinely smiling and happy, something I hadn't been in a couple years. God showed me what I was supposed to be. That He created me to help others through counseling. I know, you would think? You? Counsel? but you ended up in a Psych Ward??

I know, I honestly don't know why God hasn't given up on me, but I'm so glad He hasn't. And I can't imagine why He would ever want to use me, but I know that He does. Perhaps He sees how weak I am and that when He works through me everyone will know that it was not me, but Him that did it all.

God renewed my love for Him and people that week. God let me see people with different eyes, His eyes. Here were people whom society outcasts, mocks, looks down upon and judges, but God sees them beautiful.

I lived with people who were homeless,people who struggled with bipolar disorder, paranoid schizophrenia, schizophrenia, major depression, drug/alcohol addiction, and other things I may not have been aware of, but those people became family.

I realized it is so easy to judge from the outside when we haven't walked a mile in another persons shoes, but when I listened to their stories, there was no way I could see them in any other way but God's children whom we are called to love.

They all saw something different in me, God's love, and I pray that seed was planted in them. God planted His love in me that week.

God's love and peace and joy was restored in me again.

Although I may still be facing struggles, I know that I am not alone. I know that God is with me and He will not forsake me! I know that God is my Father, my Love, my King, and I am His daughter. I know that my Father created me with a plan in mind and although I had lost hope, my heart is strengthened in His hope.

And through counseling and prayer, God has healed me of my depression. It feels amazing to feel again, to laugh, to just be me. I honestly just want to thank God for never giving up on me and after all my mistakes, being so merciful in healing me.

For any of you who are feeling hopeless, know there is Hope. When you think you'll never see the end, know that God has a purpose. I'm not saying that God wanted me to attempt suicide, that was me taking matters into my own hands, but God will use my mistake for His purpose, as He already has.

Seeking death I found Life. (part 2)

Hopeless

April 26, 2010 was a Monday morning I will never forget. Overwhelming thoughts took over. All I 

saw was problems and only one solution.

I waited until no one was home and drove out to buy sleeping pills at a local grocery store.

I didn't want to feel anymore. I could not bare the pain anymore. I opened the bottle, thoughts racing 

all at once. What am I doing? Should I? I took eight, thinking maybe I could just sleep this off. I laid 

down but there was no effect. All I tasted was the salt from my tears. I looked down at the bottle, 

counted the rest until I had swallowed 19. I got into my comfort, a warm bath and lay there. I don't 

remember much other than waking up choking on the water a few times, I tried to get out but I 

couldn't, my body was numb and could not feel my legs. I remember being woken up when I was 

found and carried to the bed. I thought I remembered everything that occurred but a week later I 

realized what I thought and 

saw occur that day did not happen, so how long I was passed out for I am not sure.

I remember seeing the rescue in my room and being surprised out how many of them there were. They 

began to ask me questions and as I tried to answer, I found myself struggling. My speech had been 

affected by the pills. All I could do was mumble. I couldn't even hold myself up. There the regret 

began, what had I done?!

I just began to apologize to the paramedics. Here they are having to take care of me when they 

probably had bigger things to deal with. Guilt and remorse had settled in. I was taken to a hospital 

where the doctors and nurses watched and helped my body become stable again. When I saw my 

father 

walk into that room my heart sunk! Oh no! How can I even explain this to him? Will he be angry!? 

Will he look down on me? He was the last person I wanted to let down.

That day, I saw the most beautiful thing, my father was a reflection of my Heavenly fathers love for me.

Consequences

I was in a daze, but still I was able to understand some of what was going on around me. 

The man watching me told me that once my body and heart had stabalized I would have to be Baker 

Acted and I would be alone, no family. Not sure if any of you know what being Baker Acted means, 

but pretty much they are allowed to keep you in a psych ward under watch until they believe you are 

stable and won't attempt to hurt yourself again. I could just remember saying I'm sorry I won't do it 

again please do I have to? 

All I knew about Psych Wards was what I have seen on TV or movies and that terrified me.

3 am they took me back to a little room. They 

took down my information, took my belongings, and since there were no vacant rooms I was taken to 

a living room, to sleep on a couch, and left to sleep in darkness, alone. Anyone who knows me knows 

I am terrified of the dark. I just began to cry, thinking I just want to go home, regretting everything, 

afraid, and praying to God. I needed my heavenly daddy so much at that moment. 

Bright and early I was woken up and taken in a living room to wait. I had seen a guy screaming and 

having to be held down in a bed with handcuffs. Whenever I needed to go to the restroom I had to 

inform someone so they could walk me, the restrooms were flooded with water, and I had to walk in 

with socks since we were not allowed to have shoes, everything was just settling in, and deep inside 

tears just wanted to overflow. I was alone and afraid.

At around 3 pm my name was called. A room had become vacant. The kind man that had been so 

hospitable that day walked me over to the ward and gave me warnings about a few things inside. 

Butterflies filled my stomach as I drew near. The halls were crowded with people, I made sure to not 

make eye contact and just follow the man that lead me to my room. I walked in, it was dark and creepy, 

just how you would imagine it to be. A room that would make anyone even more depressed I thought. I 

saw my room mate there just sleeping in her bed. I began to break down and cry and just tell the guy 

that I wanted to go home. Thankfully, he was compassionate and gave me comforting words.

Little did I know that in this creepy, scary, unfamiliar place, God would make Himself real to me 

again...

Psalm 56:13 "For you have delivered me from death
       and my feet from stumbling,
       that I may walk before God
       in the light of life."

Seeking death I found Life. (part 1)

Hello lovelies!

I know it's been forever since I've posted but I hope the next few posts well help you understand.

Throughout my blogging I've made myself vulnerable to you all and allowed you to see my
 weaknesses and I've expressed my struggles.

I have learned that admitting my weaknesses allows God to work through me.


Most of you know the past few years have been quite trying and that I had sunken into a state of depression. 

 As well in an earlier post I explained how a major part of my opening up is to give someone hope one day through my story, my trials, and the overcoming through God's Grace, Love, and Mercy.


Today is the day that chapter begins.

I will give warning though, I may be looked down upon or judged for what I'm about to write, but that is completely fine and worth it.

I know that there is a purpose in everything and our mistakes can be used by God to glorify Him and for a greater purpose then I can even begin to understand.

So this story, is for that person out there struggling, who finds themselves no longer wanting to live, hopeless, defeated.

I pray my story can help you. I pray that my experience may even save or change a life.

Suffocated

Have you ever felt like the world was slowly swallowing you whole. All you saw was darkness completely surrounding, knowing that you have to move forward but afraid that any step you take can be a black hole that leaves you falling endlessly?

Have you ever felt that unbearable weight of confusion, depression, and fear that feels like a plague that is eating away at you little by little until there is nothing left?

This was me. Each day was a struggle to get up. I'd find myself trying to fight back tears, loneliness, confusion of where the person I once was, happy and outgoing.

The hardest part was not knowing how to get myself back and feeling like a complete outcast in my own skin. 

Not only did I hate the person I was inwardly but I battled constantly having to face the person I was outwardly as well. There would be times I would just cry because I felt too ugly to be out or that I wasn't good enough. I would bathe in the dark because I didn't even want to see myself and that was a way I'd not have to see myself and not cry.

Top depression with full time school and full time work, I was exhausted. 

I felt as though God had forgotten about me. Perhaps that I had pushed Him too far away and He couldn't hear me. Why would He want to I thought to myself, I felt worthless.(By the way, God never forgets about us, He's always there, I see that in hindsight).

Things had become increasingly difficult. Anything that could go wrong would go wrong and I wasn't strong enough at the time to handle it all. 

I've always been used to being strong enough for others. Anytime someone needed me, I was there, to listen, to comfort, all of a sudden I felt so weak. I saw everything I was going through and battling with internally as something I couldn't escape and didn't want to affect anyone with my depression anymore. What good am I if I can't be strong for anyone, if all I am is a burden I thought.

That was it. I couldn't do this anymore. I was worthless anyways what would it matter?

 People would be happier without me.

Oh how the enemy loves to creep into the mind. I was weak and agreed.

April 26, 2010 was the day that changed the rest of my life...

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: whom resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world" (1 Peter 5:8-9).

Life without Limbs

I found myself sitting in front of the screen, watching some sports channel, when all of a sudden there was this guy with no limbs, playing football, wrestling, and being the best at everything he did. Here was a guy who had everything going against him, but he overcame every obstacle. No matter how many times he fell and failed, he continued to get back up. His life encourages me to do the same. Every word that came out of his mouth were words of encouragement, words that breathed life, words that made me want to be better.  I don't even know how to put him into words for you but I couldn't help but share his story with you.
Any of you who are feeling depressed or angry at God or feel as though there is no reason to live anymore, please, please, just watch this video. You will leave changed, just by listening to him for a few minutes. Share Nick Vujicic story with anyone and everyone. Everyone needs some encouragement and his life is definitely that!

Nick Vujicic video

SORRY I tried to embed the video but that didn't work out so well!

check out other videos as well as his website. www.lifewithoutlimbs.com

hope you guys enjoy him and leave just as encouraged!

<3 Lex

o0o0 P.S. Another good video I think all kids/people should see :)
with our words we can kill or give life

Mario Kart Love Song [video]

This is the absolute sweetest for any Mario Kart lover and hopeless romantic!
Can't get enough of it!

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and if that doesn't exactly come out click here
Hope you enjoy!:)

<3 Lex

Looking at life a little differently

Looking at life a little differently can be quite a challenge when all we've seen is all we've known.
Perhaps this sentence doesn't even fit with the sentences that will follow but I continue.
I first apologize for not responding to any comments/emails/ or posting comments in the past few weeks. I have been away from the internet world. I have been in and out of hospitals/dr.s visits, I won't go into details though.

What I have learned is that we only have one shot. Only one life to live. What matters most are the people we have surrounding us at that time. Supporting and encouraging. Pursuing are passion, cause you know what, so what if we try something and then suck at it?! At least we tried!! I haven't been living so afraid of everything. Afraid of failing that I've failed at life, but there aren't many second chances at this thing.

So go after what you want to do. And remember that your family is there for you no matter what.
I honestly have learned to appreciate them so much these past two weeks and seen their unconditional love and support for me. I don't know what I would do without them.

Somewhere along these two weeks I've found who I am again. Not entirely, but I see the beginning processes unraveling.
As well, I've learned to see people differently.
For the better. That's for another post though.

Just wanted to keep all you lovely ladies posted! I really miss you all and will hopefully be getting back into the groove of things soon.

I hope you're all doing well!

Just a little Venting.

Have you ever just sat there, the only sound around is the beat the clock makes while it ticks. Your body, frozen still, while your mind is running 1,000 miles per hour, yet everything's a blur.
The only thing you feel are the warm tears that run down your face.
The overwhelming weight of your heart has you plastered to where you lay.
And you start to ask yourself, how did I get here?
How did I become this way?

God can you hear me? Are you watching me anymore? Have I pushed you too far?

I know I've been so angry with You and just shut You out.
It's just this is all too overwhelming and I've grown hopeless.
But I can't make it through this without You. Can you still hear me?

then to get up and go to work, hoping you could make it through the day without crying and making a scene.

Have you ever felt your heart grow hard?  Barricaded by the walls  built around it?
Only left confused on how to tear them down? They're so strong and heavy, you try to remove one brick at a time, and all of a sudden an intimidating factor appears and that one brick that was taken off has been placed back and stacked three rows higher.


There gets to a point you almost begin to feel not human. Numb. and yet there is still pain.
I don't really know. There's so much confusion and pain inside that I can't even begin to verbally express the surface of it all. but somehow it almost feels like your dead inside.

The people you once felt so comfortable with are just a constant reminder of how you've changed. The awkwardness settles as your in a room filled with people, laughing, joking, and you long so much to just feel that for a moment, and partake in the joy but instead your silent, alone, and just more aware of how different you've become and wondering if you'll ever be that way again.

Maybe you've noticed that I haven't said I to any of this, rather you, I think for one I'm wondering if I'm alone here, and second, to express this under I, scares me. I don't know, it's written all the same, but to claim and confess all of this, just scares me.

I've just grown so weary of it all and at the end of the day, I just feel completely foolish.

Well I guess that's enough venting for  today.

I wish I could be here doing this right now.

For the Love of Music: Vedera

                                            I guess it's all about the music today!

Do yourself a favor ladies and check them out!! Her voice is frikkin' amazing!


you can visit there site here <-

and I couldn't find the songs I really like to show you but go to www.grooveshark.com and type out Vedera and then look for the songs Redemption and Moments Rewound!

Let me know what you think :) I hope you like it just as much as I do!

For the Love of Music

One of the things I love about music is the instant connection there is between one's heart and the words. All the words locked up I cannot put to words someone else has been able to so perfectly put together, and all of a sudden, it feels as though someone else shares my heart, my hurts, my pains, my joys, my quirkiness, my anger, my fear, my craziness. You name it, someone else has written about it. And all of a sudden, there's a bond that is made with that artist. Although you've never met, when you sing along to the words there is some special connection, the artist has no idea they've made but all of a sudden you see them differently.

So many songs have touched me but my latest obsession is Alison Sudol from A Fine Frenzy!

I've loved her since I first heard of her and each of her songs touches at least one part of my heart. A few years back that connection was Almost Lover, so much I did the cover of it I showed you guys in this post. Lately the song I seem to keep on repeat is The Beacon.
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For some reason, I relate to the person she's talking about and it's the whole role the two play in each others love. The care and love she feels for that person. While the person doesn't feel good enough. I don't know but that song just puts me in that place every time.

I'm actually trying to learn it to do a cover :)
I can't find instrumentals anywhere nor piano tutorials, so I'm going to try and learn it on guitar.

So I guess that's the song for my mellow mood.

but my gosh her other songs!! I love blow away, there's something so playful about her upbeat songs. I've always lived in this imaginary world and when I express things usually it's exaplained in these weird visuals and sometimes listening to her songs makes me feel like I'm not alone in that, in all actuality I see the beauty in it.

ok so now I'm babbling, all about one person! but you see it's not just her music I like.
I love the fact she's modest! Her style is absolutely adorable without revealing anything. Her face is that of sincerity and when she smiles it's like everything's okay. I know it sounds a tad lame me saying that but it's like the pureness of a child's smile.

Ps. I totally wish I had those dimples!

Ok so I'm slightly obsessed but how can I not be? Looking at her reminds me of that childlike happiness and imagination that I miss so much.

She may have no idea but there's a strong connection to her music that has been as if her very arms have embraced my heart.

I'm sure you've all heard of her, if you haven't check her out.

I just wanted to share my latest obsession/connection.

Hope you're all doing wonderful!!
<3Lex

Paola loves to shop Giveaway Winners!

Hello lovelies!! Thank you for all who participated in Paola Loves to Shop's Giveaway..

So now we proudly present..... THE WINNER!!!!

drum rolls please................

Olivia from S&O Productions!!

Congrats hun you totally deserve all those precious goodies!

but wait folks that's not all! Paola is super awesome and decided to throw in a bonus for 7 lucky people!!! 

and they are:

Chloe

 

Bebe Bird Beck

 

Laura

 

Steffisworld

 

Callie

 

Catherine Barton

 

 

Biscuit

Congratulations to all you lovely ladies!!! Now head on over to Paola Loves to shop and send her an email with your addresses to receive all your goodies!

Happy Mail and a Pooptastical Happening!

So I'm the type of person that prefers to hear the bad news first and end on the good news, so that's how this post will go as well.

So this morning when I get to work and as I'm sitting in my desk, I smell this horrid smell, I continued to smell around and I think to myself, is that poop? Could someone have left a dirty diaper somewhere laying around? I asked my husband to sit at my desk and see if he could smell it to, it could be me just going crazy, smelling something thats not there. But he smelled it to. ok so I'm not crazy, now what the heck is it and where is it? Around 9:30am we have our staff meeting so I just figured I'd attend to it later.

An hour into that meeting I smell the poop again. Oh no! Did I touch something with it that now it's on me?! This smell is haunting me. Mind you I was not feeling well this morning. I felt a tad nauseous so this smell did not help.


I go back to my desk and all of a sudden there is that smell again. At this point I thought, let me check the bottom of my sandals. At this point my sandals are tucked underneath me. I lift my skirt to see, and there it is! The culprit! The poop that had attached itself to me! I had been walking around with dog poop on my shoe all day long! Not only was it on my sandal, but now it was on my brown skirt that had just been nicely washed before.

Normally, that may have gotten me a tad annoyed. grrr....but this time I just had to laugh.

Ok...so on to GOOD NEWS!!

Jamie from Inspired Mess had a giveaway and I was one of the Mini-Giveaway winners! YIPPEE!!!
And omg! I opened my mailbox today grabbed the package ripped it open and found my sweet ol' goodies that just made me SMILE!

Look at all her sweetness!! Thank you Jamie! You're the best!! I absolutely adore you!

Thank you for all of this wonderfulness!! You made my poopy day all better!!!!!! :)

You all should go visit her page if you haven't, which I'm sure you've all been there, but just in case! ^_^

A Frikkin' Sweet Giveaway!

Hello ladies!! I know we all love giveaways!! This is a collabo giveaway with the lovely Paola from Paola loves to shop :)

You'll be winning a few of the items from her shop.http://paolalovestoshop.bigcartel.com/

Okay so what do you gotta do to get one of these beauts?

Good question.

Rules:

1. You must be a follower of Paola Loves To Shop's Blog

2.Become a fan of her facebook

3. You may or may not follow my blog, that parts not the most important.

4. Make sure to leave a comment after you've done all the above :)

5th option: Tweet about the giveaway!

I'm so excited for this giveaway! I hope you are too!!! 

<3Lex

Ps. the giveaway ends this Tuesday!

New hair every day.

Do you ever just get sudden urges? This morning I woke up thinking about teacup chihuahuas and now I've found myself just wanting wigs!! Oh the fun of changing up one's hair according to your mood without the damaging consequences to one's hair! Here are some I wish I had.

 

I love this color and think it would be so much fun to dress up in! :) but I'd never be bold enough to transform my whole head into this shade! 

                                                Because I've always wanted blue hair.

                                                 Because I love UBER long hair and curls!!

                                             Because I would love to try this FIRE red!

because the length excites me, I've always wanted know what I'd look like blonde and because I've always wanted hair like the girl from Tristan and Isolde!!

I could go on..but really I must stop!!

but but I want them sooo much!! /tear