Tuesday, November 1, 2011

I am ready to spread my wings...

Free to breathe, to live, to just be me.

Gosh it’s been a journey. The struggles have been hard but as I look back at the past few years of my life I see a growth, the process of a transformation, and I wouldn’t change the struggles I’ve been through for anything because they are what have made me who I am today. I used to see struggles as something I wish would just go away, now I see that out of my greatest struggles has come greatness.

I have learned to value the gifts God has given me. I took them for granted until I lost it all and didn’t know how to get it back. Slowly but surely I feel God returning them and I am learning to appreciate them so much more since I’ve had to work for them and can now see what life was like without them.

I have learned to see myself as worthy. When I had once seen myself as worthless, without value.

I have learned to set up healthy boundaries.

I have learned to look at myself honestly and know that I will always need to change and grow.

I’ve learned people come and go, but it’s not the end of the world.

I have learned to see the world as such a beautiful place again. To breathe in life’s beautiful scent. To love people again. To break for the broken. To break free of the bondage that held me down. To know that I am lovable. To know that I am beautiful. And the outward will fade, but true beauty lies within. To forgive.

I feel as a child exploring the world again and I thank God for the ability to feel this way again. It has been a painful process, but it makes me value the little things all the more.

I am ready to spread my wings.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

To Make You Feel My Love Cover

To Make You Feel My Love (click here)

I got inspired to sing a bit and this is one of my favorite songs. I love Adele's rendition of it but the first time I heard it I believe it was Garth Brooks who sang it. I'm not entirely sure who's version I did, perhaps some of my own, but anyways here it is :)

The pics are also just a little something from a "shoot" we did. 



I’ve come to realize I’ve been a pretty slow learner in this life, but my God is so good and faithful to continue to work on me. I’ve been having to read a lot for school and different things made me really take a look at myself. I realized from an early age that relationships with people cause pain. Any relationship not just romance. That trust lacked. I wanted to be close to someone to let someone in but fearful of the pain they would cause when I did. The pain of being pushed away and rejected. The pain of not being good enough and failing once again somehow. Especially with a male. The pain of opening up and then broken. I held on for way to long to different hurts and attempted to avoid those pains again with all my human might but still trying to fill the void of being “loved” cared for or of some worth, without realizing I was repeating a cycle of hurt. I would genuinely care for a person and show interest but once feelings got too much that I would be filled with fear, the risk was too much and I would run away. I was only looking from my perspective though. It wasn’t until I realized the hurt I have caused others that I was able to fully forgive those who have hurt me. I’ve realized, we’re all human, wanting to feel loved and cared for but so frightened of being hurt we do things to avoid that pain. Although some people may intentionally go out to hurt others, I think the majority of people are just not really thinking of how actions affect others rather our concern is self-protection. I ask anyone I have hurt before for your forgiveness. I am truly sorry for my selfishness. Of being so afraid to get close I’ve pushed you away, or perhaps lead anyone on, broken hearts, damaged you for other relationships, caused you to be afraid of letting anyone in. I don’t know all the damage I’ve done, but I truly apologize from the bottom of my heart. I pray to God that people I’ve hurt in the past won’t have to pay for my mistakes. That He will heal your hearts and let you love fully. To those that have hurt me, if you ever worry or hold anything against yourself. Please don’t. You are forgiven. My heart has been replaced with love for you. To the most present one, I know it’s been a hard year, know that I pray for you and pray that God just pours His love on you abundantly and that you’ll succeed in everything you do. I know I’ve had a hard time forgiving in the past but God has really spoken to me in this area. I am no one to not forgive others, especially when I myself have hurt so many. Of sinners, I am the biggest. I don’t even deserve Gods love or forgiveness. I deserve for Him to have left me a long time ago. But if He hasn’t and has still loved me knowing all the hurt I’d cause Him, who am I to not forgive others?

We’re all just broken vessels trying to stay afloat.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

This is my unspoken letter to you

Dear you,

I stumbled upon a page of yours the other day and it inspired me to write in hopes that maybe one day you'll stumble upon this and in someway I can communicate the things I've been wanting to say and have been carrying with me.

I want you to know how happy I am for you. To see that smile on your face, that joy. I can't help but smile back. To see you united with your family couldn't make me happier! I've been praying for you I hope that doesn't sound weird, but I've been praying that He would draw you close to Him once more. I know events had taken you so far away and had made you angry at Him which is completely understandable. I think everyone goes through those moments but to read the way you wrote about Him filled my soul with happiness. To see you so close with your family, your sister especially, I wish I had the words to say, to express how enthused I am, because she's looked up to you all along. I hope this doesn't come across weird, I mean all of this 100% and I wish somehow that I could tell you this in person but I know that will never be, so I hope you'll one day read this.

Your art, your words so eloquent, like poetry have improved and am excited to see how far you'll go and where God will take you. I can't help but think that there was so much unsaid and because of that I think there is so much misunderstanding between what happened. I don't even know. I don't know how you see things through your perspective of what happened if somehow we both ended up feeling the same way but neither one spoke out. I still cry about it all perhaps wishing things didn't end up the way they did or that things would have been worked through. I tried to act all strong that day, that call, I didn't want to argue, but I didn't know what to say, I just remember crying once we hung up. I was angry hurt and felt so many things at once.

I don't know how you felt about it all but I want you to know that one day while sitting at church God put you on my heart and removed anger and bitterness with forgiveness and love and I've been praying for you ever since. I hope one day you'll forgive me too. I'm sorry for being so weak at that moment in my life that I wasn't strong enough to be what you needed at that time too. Truly, I apologize. That was more weight than you could carry.

I will continue to hold you in my prayers and just wanted you to know I'm happy for you.

Again I hope this doesn't sound too weird either, but I'm glad you found love again. I don't want this to sound insincere, at first I was taken back, but I think she's what you need :) I think she'll draw out your strengths and help you grow in this season of your life and it seems the light in your eyes has returned.
And although a part of it hurts, the part within me that cares for you is truly, happy for you :)

a part of your past.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Bri & Lex..Pix & vids

Yea, Bri & I are at it again. Pics. Vids. We were just being silly little nooblets :)

This was us fooling around to: Iron Maiden's Metal version of Phantom of the Opera.

 Life is full of beauty. Notice it. Notice the bumble bee, the small child, and the smiling faces. Smell the rain, and feel the wind. Live your life to the fullest potential, and fight for your dreams.
-Ashley Smith
 This is my wish for you: Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life.
 When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure” -Peter Marshall

Girls Just Want to Have Fun! (image heavy)

So yea, even though I'm going to be 25 this year there's this little 5 year old girl in me who doesn't seem to ever get old. She's the part of me that simply loves unicorns, mermaids, kid movies, and well obviously, playing dress up! Luckily I have a great friend to have these adventures with :)
You can follow Bri.  <--click here

She's freaking amazing, adorable and talented! :)