I’ve come to realize I’ve been a pretty slow learner in this life, but my God is so good and faithful to continue to work on me. I’ve been having to read a lot for school and different things made me really take a look at myself. I realized from an early age that relationships with people cause pain. Any relationship not just romance. That trust lacked. I wanted to be close to someone to let someone in but fearful of the pain they would cause when I did. The pain of being pushed away and rejected. The pain of not being good enough and failing once again somehow. Especially with a male. The pain of opening up and then broken. I held on for way to long to different hurts and attempted to avoid those pains again with all my human might but still trying to fill the void of being “loved” cared for or of some worth, without realizing I was repeating a cycle of hurt. I would genuinely care for a person and show interest but once feelings got too much that I would be filled with fear, the risk was too much and I would run away. I was only looking from my perspective though. It wasn’t until I realized the hurt I have caused others that I was able to fully forgive those who have hurt me. I’ve realized, we’re all human, wanting to feel loved and cared for but so frightened of being hurt we do things to avoid that pain. Although some people may intentionally go out to hurt others, I think the majority of people are just not really thinking of how actions affect others rather our concern is self-protection. I ask anyone I have hurt before for your forgiveness. I am truly sorry for my selfishness. Of being so afraid to get close I’ve pushed you away, or perhaps lead anyone on, broken hearts, damaged you for other relationships, caused you to be afraid of letting anyone in. I don’t know all the damage I’ve done, but I truly apologize from the bottom of my heart. I pray to God that people I’ve hurt in the past won’t have to pay for my mistakes. That He will heal your hearts and let you love fully. To those that have hurt me, if you ever worry or hold anything against yourself. Please don’t. You are forgiven. My heart has been replaced with love for you. To the most present one, I know it’s been a hard year, know that I pray for you and pray that God just pours His love on you abundantly and that you’ll succeed in everything you do. I know I’ve had a hard time forgiving in the past but God has really spoken to me in this area. I am no one to not forgive others, especially when I myself have hurt so many. Of sinners, I am the biggest. I don’t even deserve Gods love or forgiveness. I deserve for Him to have left me a long time ago. But if He hasn’t and has still loved me knowing all the hurt I’d cause Him, who am I to not forgive others?
We’re all just broken vessels trying to stay afloat.