Monday, August 30, 2010

Seeking Death I Found Life (Part 3)

There I was, alone, in this unfamiliar place. All I wanted to do was crawl into my bed and sleep until I was able to go home. I got into bed and rethought my action. If I stay in bed they'll probably keep me here forever I thought. I looked over at my roommate and she just lay there without movement, as if wanting death to absorb her. I walked over to her bed and I began to talk to her. She had been there for a week, just laying in bed, barely went out even to eat. There was such sorrow in her eyes.We talked for a little bit and then I told her that we couldn't just stay in bed.She looked up at me and smiled.

Together we walked out of the room. I felt intimidated as the halls were crowded with people. I was unaware of what I would encounter in this new place or if I would be safe. Lauren, my roommate, and I sat in the living room as we waited to be called for our lunch trays.
The living room had a kitchen, tv, and a table with seats where we could gather around to talk, read, play cards, color, and eat. The whole room filled as everyone sat down to eat, there I got to know the people I would be staying with for the next few days. There I got to hear the famous question, "What are you in here for?" and I got to hear all their stories. Although they were different, so many were the same. My roommate had been sent there because she had tried committing suicide. The majority of them actually had been there for the same reason. What I found interesting was that the people that even the people who heard voices actually had voices tell them that they were not worth anything that they should kill themselves and the method of suicide. I was amazed.
I realized how much the enemy lies to us! Telling us that we are better off dead!
He had no bias on age, gender, or ethnicity.

As I got to know each person, each person was beautiful and complex.

My heart grew for them, my heart ached for them. I wasn't the only one in pain. There was a room full of people, hearts aching to be loved. Slowly, my old self came out again. I desired to serve them. I would find the smallest ways to show them someone cared, whether serving and refilling them their drinks or giving them an ear. Throughout the days I saw all our relationships transform. One guy had come in all angry, by the end of the time we were there, I saw his heart softened. He began to serve these people, getting them water, offering them his chair, his expression had changed. The simple act of seeing someone else serve him had moved him so much he wanted to do the same for others. We started to work together as a group to help one another, in that crazy place, we became family. 
There was one kid that would never come out of his room, slowly but surely I began to talk to him. Letting him know that no matter what, I was not there to judge him but to be there for him, who am I to judge anyone?

He would tell me how he often heard voices telling him that people were out to get him , or that he should die, or not to listen to what people were saying. I told him of God's love, prayed for him, and read to him the bible. Through that time he began to ask me and another patient to read him the bible or lend him ours. We all tried helping him to not hide alone in his thoughts but to come out and mingle with the rest, so that the voices could not overtake him. By the end of the week he no longer hid in his room and actually became more talkative with others, smiling more often.

There are so many stories I could tell you from the 4 days I was there, but ultimately they all lead to God's love and restoration.
In the midst of that place I found myself again. I was genuinely smiling and happy, something I hadn't been in a couple years. God showed me what I was supposed to be. That He created me to help others through counseling. I know, you would think? You? Counsel? but you ended up in a Psych Ward??
I know, I honestly don't know why God hasn't given up on me, but I'm so glad He hasn't. And I can't imagine why He would ever want to use me, but I know that He does. Perhaps He sees how weak I am and that when He works through me everyone will know that it was not me, but Him that did it all.

God renewed my love for Him and people that week. God let me see people with different eyes, His eyes. Here were people whom society outcasts, mocks, looks down upon and judges, but God sees them beautiful.
I lived with people who were homeless,people who struggled with bipolar disorder, paranoid schizophrenia, schizophrenia, major depression, drug/alcohol addiction, and other things I may not have been aware of, but those people became family.

I realized it is so easy to judge from the outside when we haven't walked a mile in another persons shoes, but when I listened to their stories, there was no way I could see them in any other way but God's children whom we are called to love.

They all saw something different in me, God's love, and I pray that seed was planted in them. God planted His love in me that week.

God's love and peace and joy was restored in me again.

Although I may still be facing struggles, I know that I am not alone. I know that God is with me and He will not forsake me! I know that God is my Father, my Love, my King, and I am His daughter. I know that my Father created me with a plan in mind and although I had lost hope, my heart is strengthened in His hope.

And through counseling and prayer, God has healed me of my depression. It feels amazing to feel again, to laugh, to just be me. I honestly just want to thank God for never giving up on me and after all my mistakes, being so merciful in healing me.

For any of you who are feeling hopeless, know there is Hope. When you think you'll never see the end, know that God has a purpose. I'm not saying that God wanted me to attempt suicide, that was me taking matters into my own hands, but God will use my mistake for His purpose, as He already has.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Seeking death I found Life. (part 2)


April 26, 2010 was a Monday morning I will never forget. Overwhelming thoughts took over. All I 

saw was problems and only one solution.

I waited until no one was home and drove out to buy sleeping pills at a local grocery store.

I didn't want to feel anymore. I could not bare the pain anymore. I opened the bottle, thoughts racing 

all at once. What am I doing? Should I? I took eight, thinking maybe I could just sleep this off. I laid 

down but there was no effect. All I tasted was the salt from my tears. I looked down at the bottle, 

counted the rest until I had swallowed 19. I got into my comfort, a warm bath and lay there. I don't 

remember much other than waking up choking on the water a few times, I tried to get out but I 

couldn't, my body was numb and could not feel my legs. I remember being woken up when I was 

found and carried to the bed. I thought I remembered everything that occurred but a week later I 

realized what I thought and 

saw occur that day did not happen, so how long I was passed out for I am not sure.

I remember seeing the rescue in my room and being surprised out how many of them there were. They 

began to ask me questions and as I tried to answer, I found myself struggling. My speech had been 

affected by the pills. All I could do was mumble. I couldn't even hold myself up. There the regret 

began, what had I done?!

I just began to apologize to the paramedics. Here they are having to take care of me when they 

probably had bigger things to deal with. Guilt and remorse had settled in. I was taken to a hospital 

where the doctors and nurses watched and helped my body become stable again. When I saw my 


walk into that room my heart sunk! Oh no! How can I even explain this to him? Will he be angry!? 

Will he look down on me? He was the last person I wanted to let down.

That day, I saw the most beautiful thing, my father was a reflection of my Heavenly fathers love for me.


I was in a daze, but still I was able to understand some of what was going on around me. 

The man watching me told me that once my body and heart had stabalized I would have to be Baker 

Acted and I would be alone, no family. Not sure if any of you know what being Baker Acted means, 

but pretty much they are allowed to keep you in a psych ward under watch until they believe you are 

stable and won't attempt to hurt yourself again. I could just remember saying I'm sorry I won't do it 

again please do I have to? 

All I knew about Psych Wards was what I have seen on TV or movies and that terrified me.

3 am they took me back to a little room. They 

took down my information, took my belongings, and since there were no vacant rooms I was taken to 

a living room, to sleep on a couch, and left to sleep in darkness, alone. Anyone who knows me knows 

I am terrified of the dark. I just began to cry, thinking I just want to go home, regretting everything, 

afraid, and praying to God. I needed my heavenly daddy so much at that moment. 

Bright and early I was woken up and taken in a living room to wait. I had seen a guy screaming and 

having to be held down in a bed with handcuffs. Whenever I needed to go to the restroom I had to 

inform someone so they could walk me, the restrooms were flooded with water, and I had to walk in 

with socks since we were not allowed to have shoes, everything was just settling in, and deep inside 

tears just wanted to overflow. I was alone and afraid.

At around 3 pm my name was called. A room had become vacant. The kind man that had been so 

hospitable that day walked me over to the ward and gave me warnings about a few things inside. 

Butterflies filled my stomach as I drew near. The halls were crowded with people, I made sure to not 

make eye contact and just follow the man that lead me to my room. I walked in, it was dark and creepy, 
just how you would imagine it to be. A room that would make anyone even more depressed I thought. I 
saw my room mate there just sleeping in her bed. I began to break down and cry and just tell the guy 

that I wanted to go home. Thankfully, he was compassionate and gave me comforting words.

Little did I know that in this creepy, scary, unfamiliar place, God would make Himself real to me 


Psalm 56:13 "For you have delivered me from death
       and my feet from stumbling,
       that I may walk before God
       in the light of life."

Monday, August 16, 2010

Seeking death I found Life. (part 1)

Hello lovelies!

I know it's been forever since I've posted but I hope the next few posts well help you understand.

Throughout my blogging I've made myself vulnerable to you all and allowed you to see my
 weaknesses and I've expressed my struggles.

I have learned that admitting my weaknesses allows God to work through me.

Most of you know the past few years have been quite trying and that I had sunken into a state of depression. 

 As well in an earlier post I explained how a major part of my opening up is to give someone hope one day through my story, my trials, and the overcoming through God's Grace, Love, and Mercy.

Today is the day that chapter begins.

I will give warning though, I may be looked down upon or judged for what I'm about to write, but that is completely fine and worth it.

I know that there is a purpose in everything and our mistakes can be used by God to glorify Him and for a greater purpose then I can even begin to understand.

So this story, is for that person out there struggling, who finds themselves no longer wanting to live, hopeless, defeated.

I pray my story can help you. I pray that my experience may even save or change a life.

Have you ever felt like the world was slowly swallowing you whole. All you saw was darkness completely surrounding, knowing that you have to move forward but afraid that any step you take can be a black hole that leaves you falling endlessly?
Have you ever felt that unbearable weight of confusion, depression, and fear that feels like a plague that is eating away at you little by little until there is nothing left?
This was me. Each day was a struggle to get up. I'd find myself trying to fight back tears, loneliness, confusion of where the person I once was, happy and outgoing.
The hardest part was not knowing how to get myself back and feeling like a complete outcast in my own skin. 
Not only did I hate the person I was inwardly but I battled constantly having to face the person I was outwardly as well. There would be times I would just cry because I felt too ugly to be out or that I wasn't good enough. I would bathe in the dark because I didn't even want to see myself and that was a way I'd not have to see myself and not cry.
Top depression with full time school and full time work, I was exhausted. 

I felt as though God had forgotten about me. Perhaps that I had pushed Him too far away and He couldn't hear me. Why would He want to I thought to myself, I felt worthless.(By the way, God never forgets about us, He's always there, I see that in hindsight).

Things had become increasingly difficult. Anything that could go wrong would go wrong and I wasn't strong enough at the time to handle it all. 

I've always been used to being strong enough for others. Anytime someone needed me, I was there, to listen, to comfort, all of a sudden I felt so weak. I saw everything I was going through and battling with internally as something I couldn't escape and didn't want to affect anyone with my depression anymore. What good am I if I can't be strong for anyone, if all I am is a burden I thought.

That was it. I couldn't do this anymore. I was worthless anyways what would it matter?
 People would be happier without me.

Oh how the enemy loves to creep into the mind. I was weak and agreed.

April 26, 2010 was the day that changed the rest of my life...

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: whom resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world" (1 Peter 5:8-9).