Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Seeking death I found Life. (part 2)


April 26, 2010 was a Monday morning I will never forget. Overwhelming thoughts took over. All I 

saw was problems and only one solution.

I waited until no one was home and drove out to buy sleeping pills at a local grocery store.

I didn't want to feel anymore. I could not bare the pain anymore. I opened the bottle, thoughts racing 

all at once. What am I doing? Should I? I took eight, thinking maybe I could just sleep this off. I laid 

down but there was no effect. All I tasted was the salt from my tears. I looked down at the bottle, 

counted the rest until I had swallowed 19. I got into my comfort, a warm bath and lay there. I don't 

remember much other than waking up choking on the water a few times, I tried to get out but I 

couldn't, my body was numb and could not feel my legs. I remember being woken up when I was 

found and carried to the bed. I thought I remembered everything that occurred but a week later I 

realized what I thought and 

saw occur that day did not happen, so how long I was passed out for I am not sure.

I remember seeing the rescue in my room and being surprised out how many of them there were. They 

began to ask me questions and as I tried to answer, I found myself struggling. My speech had been 

affected by the pills. All I could do was mumble. I couldn't even hold myself up. There the regret 

began, what had I done?!

I just began to apologize to the paramedics. Here they are having to take care of me when they 

probably had bigger things to deal with. Guilt and remorse had settled in. I was taken to a hospital 

where the doctors and nurses watched and helped my body become stable again. When I saw my 


walk into that room my heart sunk! Oh no! How can I even explain this to him? Will he be angry!? 

Will he look down on me? He was the last person I wanted to let down.

That day, I saw the most beautiful thing, my father was a reflection of my Heavenly fathers love for me.


I was in a daze, but still I was able to understand some of what was going on around me. 

The man watching me told me that once my body and heart had stabalized I would have to be Baker 

Acted and I would be alone, no family. Not sure if any of you know what being Baker Acted means, 

but pretty much they are allowed to keep you in a psych ward under watch until they believe you are 

stable and won't attempt to hurt yourself again. I could just remember saying I'm sorry I won't do it 

again please do I have to? 

All I knew about Psych Wards was what I have seen on TV or movies and that terrified me.

3 am they took me back to a little room. They 

took down my information, took my belongings, and since there were no vacant rooms I was taken to 

a living room, to sleep on a couch, and left to sleep in darkness, alone. Anyone who knows me knows 

I am terrified of the dark. I just began to cry, thinking I just want to go home, regretting everything, 

afraid, and praying to God. I needed my heavenly daddy so much at that moment. 

Bright and early I was woken up and taken in a living room to wait. I had seen a guy screaming and 

having to be held down in a bed with handcuffs. Whenever I needed to go to the restroom I had to 

inform someone so they could walk me, the restrooms were flooded with water, and I had to walk in 

with socks since we were not allowed to have shoes, everything was just settling in, and deep inside 

tears just wanted to overflow. I was alone and afraid.

At around 3 pm my name was called. A room had become vacant. The kind man that had been so 

hospitable that day walked me over to the ward and gave me warnings about a few things inside. 

Butterflies filled my stomach as I drew near. The halls were crowded with people, I made sure to not 

make eye contact and just follow the man that lead me to my room. I walked in, it was dark and creepy, 
just how you would imagine it to be. A room that would make anyone even more depressed I thought. I 
saw my room mate there just sleeping in her bed. I began to break down and cry and just tell the guy 

that I wanted to go home. Thankfully, he was compassionate and gave me comforting words.

Little did I know that in this creepy, scary, unfamiliar place, God would make Himself real to me 


Psalm 56:13 "For you have delivered me from death
       and my feet from stumbling,
       that I may walk before God
       in the light of life."


  1. :( i'm sorry you went thru all of this pain. i'm so happy you are still here with us and that you are healing. sometimes the biggest, most horrible things in life can bring about the most beautiful changes and healing. i am sure this is the case.
    my thoughts are with you....xoxoxoxoxoxo

  2. lex my love, i am so glad you decided to share this with the rest of the world. you are going to help alot of people, and you were right from the beginning when you told me that God had a plan for you in all of this. love you.

  3. I am so thankful you shared this with us and so glad that it seems you're now experiencing some healing and happiness. I spent one night in a psych ward after feeling so depressed I felt I couldn't come back and just being there scared me out of ever wanting to hurt myself again. It was so alienating and frightening and cold and I knew that if I were ever to hurt myself again, I'd have to return to this awful place. I know at the moment it must seem like the road ahead, to healing and happiness, is all up hill, but once you're atop that hill, the view is beautiful. Take care of yourself you beautiful girl, you're worth it.

  4. Oh, sweet Lex, you are not alone. You've been missed. I'll be praying for you. I've been there and I know those feelings soooo well as I swallowed over 100 pain pills many years ago. I'm always here if you ever need to talk or cry or anything at all. I'm lifting you up in prayer right now. Much love to you, Beautiful. xoxo -jamie

  5. darling girl.

    thank you so much for being so open and so honest. you are loved. i had to watch my closest friend go through this a couple of months ago, and find god all over again in the emergency room. god is so faithful even when we lose sight of him completely.

    i had originally stopped by to thank you for being part of the love bomb team - i'm so glad i found you and your blog. thank you for everything. <3

    - lauren

  6. oh my goodness...I had no idea that you were going through all of this. I've been checking your blog and wondering sadly what was keeping you from blogging. My younger brother has been admitted to a psych ward 4 times in the past few months for suicide. So reading about your experience has really touched me. I really hope that you are doing better. Thank you for sharing all of this and for being so honest with your readers. I will definitely keep you in my prayers, love!

  7. alexie know that you are not alone.
    I'm here, as always. I may not fully know the depth of your pain, regrets and hurt but I do know that He who began a good work in you will complete it.

  8. This was a beautiful and haunting post. I do not know what you are going through but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  9. Lex. I haven't been to your blog in a bit. I was kind of overwhelmed with blog-reading for awhile. But I am glad that I was able to read this. I know that God is going to use this difficult time in your life to help others who are going through similar situations. I'll be praying for you sweet lady.

  10. How is your husband taking this? Poor thing he must be devastated!
    Praying for you!