Monday, August 16, 2010

Seeking death I found Life. (part 1)

Hello lovelies!

I know it's been forever since I've posted but I hope the next few posts well help you understand.

Throughout my blogging I've made myself vulnerable to you all and allowed you to see my
 weaknesses and I've expressed my struggles.

I have learned that admitting my weaknesses allows God to work through me.

Most of you know the past few years have been quite trying and that I had sunken into a state of depression. 

 As well in an earlier post I explained how a major part of my opening up is to give someone hope one day through my story, my trials, and the overcoming through God's Grace, Love, and Mercy.

Today is the day that chapter begins.

I will give warning though, I may be looked down upon or judged for what I'm about to write, but that is completely fine and worth it.

I know that there is a purpose in everything and our mistakes can be used by God to glorify Him and for a greater purpose then I can even begin to understand.

So this story, is for that person out there struggling, who finds themselves no longer wanting to live, hopeless, defeated.

I pray my story can help you. I pray that my experience may even save or change a life.

Have you ever felt like the world was slowly swallowing you whole. All you saw was darkness completely surrounding, knowing that you have to move forward but afraid that any step you take can be a black hole that leaves you falling endlessly?
Have you ever felt that unbearable weight of confusion, depression, and fear that feels like a plague that is eating away at you little by little until there is nothing left?
This was me. Each day was a struggle to get up. I'd find myself trying to fight back tears, loneliness, confusion of where the person I once was, happy and outgoing.
The hardest part was not knowing how to get myself back and feeling like a complete outcast in my own skin. 
Not only did I hate the person I was inwardly but I battled constantly having to face the person I was outwardly as well. There would be times I would just cry because I felt too ugly to be out or that I wasn't good enough. I would bathe in the dark because I didn't even want to see myself and that was a way I'd not have to see myself and not cry.
Top depression with full time school and full time work, I was exhausted. 

I felt as though God had forgotten about me. Perhaps that I had pushed Him too far away and He couldn't hear me. Why would He want to I thought to myself, I felt worthless.(By the way, God never forgets about us, He's always there, I see that in hindsight).

Things had become increasingly difficult. Anything that could go wrong would go wrong and I wasn't strong enough at the time to handle it all. 

I've always been used to being strong enough for others. Anytime someone needed me, I was there, to listen, to comfort, all of a sudden I felt so weak. I saw everything I was going through and battling with internally as something I couldn't escape and didn't want to affect anyone with my depression anymore. What good am I if I can't be strong for anyone, if all I am is a burden I thought.

That was it. I couldn't do this anymore. I was worthless anyways what would it matter?
 People would be happier without me.

Oh how the enemy loves to creep into the mind. I was weak and agreed.

April 26, 2010 was the day that changed the rest of my life...

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour: whom resist steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same afflictions are accomplished in your brethren that are in the world" (1 Peter 5:8-9).


  1. you know I am praying for you. May the Lord direct your thoughts and words as you lay it all down for the glory of God and in order to bring forth beauty from your pain.

    Love you Alexie.

  2. I know we've already talked about this, but you and so beautiful and so strong. Out of this comes greatness... I love you.

  3. Praying for you Alexie!! I pray that the Lord would continue to pour out His unfailing love and blessings upon you and that you would feel consumed by it everyday!

    Love you girlie!

  4. You are an amazing woman. Incredibly amazing, and God is and has used you hugely in others lives.
    I hate that youve been through so much hurt, praying for amazing blessings your way.
    Our God is so good and sweet.

  5. God can give us the ability to overcome anything, because with Him all things are possible!
    I was told as a pre-teen that I had manic depression but I fought it really hard and believe that with prayer and my persistence to overcome it, I have. . .regardless of what people say that it is not something that can be cured. I had faith that God would heal me and He did. I will pray the same for you! I remember the really rough time it was for me for the 3 years that I struggled with it. I pray that the peace of God and His spirit would be able to help you! It is really great that you have shared your struggle. REALLY GOOD. I just had a woman in my church who never showed signs of depression at all who killed herself. . she never told her struggle to anyone. It has been a week since she did it, and a lot of people are taking it very hard. It makes me want to fight even harder. Satan is out to destroy us when we pursue Christ and work on following Him. It makes Satan so mad that he will find our weaknesses and attack even harder. Through Christ we can overcome the struggles.