Wednesday, January 20, 2010


 I've been sitting here since Sunday wondering what I should write about.
I mean, come on I've had a week off, I should have something to share.
but I've found myself.....speechless.

Somewhat unmotivated.

I've had so much weighing down on me, emotions I'm not comfortable to admitting to.

Somehow I was able to realize and admit the emotion I'm carrying most (or at least I feel I am).



yea I don't know. I'm just angry.

I explained to you guys the whole depression thing and how I've felt I've lost myself. I used to be a girl that was so bubbly, outgoing, talked to strangers, made friends with anyone on the street, but somewhere along the journey that girl was lost. A few things have just affected me so hard. I've literally had to learn how to talk to people and be around them again. After being isolated at home sick for 4 months, I became extremely anti-social. I hated being around people, hated crowds, couldn't talk anymore without stuttering and mumbling every other word. I was no longer comfortable speaking with people. It's a horrible thing, especially when you forget how to do things that were once so natural. You don't even know how to get it back.

I've come a long way but I still don't like crowds, still get pretty shy, and sometimes still feel uncomfortable saying hi to people, so for anyone who's reading this and seen me more distant, it's not that I hate you, I really don't. I don't really know why I get so uncomfortable. I think part of it now is I'm afraid of them seeing right through me, seeing that I just feel like a mess inside, and I'm just sad.

Don't get me wrong, there are more happy days then sad days now! I've been getting better, but there's still a bunch of growth that needs to be done. But I'm just ANGRY! I want a break!! I want to feel happy again! I want to feel carefree again! I don't want to be uncomfortable in a crowd! I don't want to deal with the struggles I deal with! I just want to BREATHE!!! do you ever feel like you're just suffocating?

But I know God is faithful. I know that right now I might not understand it all, and yes, it makes me angry that I'm still in this, but I know God has a plan and there is a purpose to it all. How can I help someone if I cannot empathize with them? Somethings are just hard to understand unless you've been there, and maybe perhaps that's why I've had to go through so much. Honestly though, I'm just tired of this part. I wish I could fast forward to the good part.

I'm just being stubborn though and not trusting Him. I want things my way and NOW! but God doesn't work that way, which isn't a bad thing, because I'm sure if he just made me happy now, I would be missing out on a lot of the training. I guess he just has me going through Bootcamp now.

Well I guess so much for being speechless.

This isn't really what I would have wanted to write about. I would have wanted to write about something happy and encouraging, but instead I poured out my heart and thoughts to you guys.
Perhaps maybe, this is part of the journey I share with you. When I am healed and back to my old self and just filled with life again, you'll know why, how, and what it took to get me there as well as where I came from.

The Song that Sings My Heart Tale

The other day a friend of mine took out her guitar and sang our class a beautiful song that sent chills all over my body. I felt every word, its as if she sang away my heart.

It's called If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens

The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to

Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone

So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to


  1. girl? you are amazing, and so brave! thank you so much for sharing this. i know that it is hard, i have just gone off zoloft for anxiety and depression. i for some reason hate admitting that i took it for depression. but i did, and its been scary and rough, but i think that in the end, we are all in this together, and we can get through this together! if you need anything at all! don't hesitate to email me!

    p.s. I LOVE i am not ready to make nice! i have been singing that one all week, and i am making sean memorize it..hehe. love you girl! have a fantastic day!

  2. I love you. Honestly, I do, and I totally get the whole being angry and depressed, its so weird that we do that, but its so real...

    Im here fore you, if you need me... ALWAYS. you know that..

    you;re a wonderful person and deserve to be SO happy...

    I love you.


    P.s. that song sounds cute, i must go listen.

  3. Awww Alexie...I'm sincerely sorry to hear what you are going through and that you feel like this! But you are so right in saying that God has a plan for you and he will definitely pull you through this tough time. Whenever I feel down or I'm going through a rough trial this verse keeps me sane...Psalm 71:20-21

    Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,you will restore my life again;from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.
    You will increase my honor and comfort me once again.
    Hope this helps you as much as it has helped me!
    xoxoxxoxo :)

  4. wow hun you are amazing and beautiful. times like these is were God wants to hear from us the most. and ppl wont see right through you or the mess. ppl are there for you to help. everyone needs once in awhile and talking about anger have lots right now maybe not like yours but everyone is angry in this world you that have God should know that he's there to mend your wounds to close them up and not leave them bleed and bleed, be strong hun. love you i'll be praying for you.


  5. Don't worry, dear, you're not alone in this. I've struggled with depression most of my life, and I'm on anti-depressants, but I'm just sick of it. I just want to be normal and not "blah" anymore.

    Keep trusting in God - He won't let you down!

  6. this post was so beautifully honest. i really loved reading it. God is faithful! and it's all about letting go and trusting him.
    thanks for being brave and sharing!

  7. Thank you guys for all your love and support! It really means sooo much to me!!

    and dasha, thank you soooo much for that verse!
    It's perfect! I wrote it on my hand :)

  8. it's so nice to read such honest words. thank you.
    i'll be praying for you. i'm so glad you know the Lord because, truly He is the only one who can help you through this! and remember, He doesn't give you more than you can handle...

    here are some of my favorite verses, i encourage you to read them

    proverbs 3:5-6
    psalm 34:4
    matthew 7:7

    those are just a few...
    we've had quite a few trials in our life... and are still going through some... it's hard. but i try to be thankful for all that God allows...

    i'm sorry you are going through this, and as i said before, you will be in my prayers!

  9. i feel ur anger
    it just piles up until u end up lashing out :/

  10. thank you so much for your honesty it's refreshing

  11. we don't know each other, but that's the beauty of the blogging world, right? i just started reading your blog a few weeks ago and this post made me want to comment! i completely related to everything that you wrote about your feelings of being less social after going through some hard times. i don't know why it happens exactly, but i'm in the same boat right now as i go through a divorce after a year of being married. the comforting part is that God knows who we are even when we're unsure of ourselves and our identity. right now i'm speaking the truth of isaiah 43:1-2 in my life:
    "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

    Also, I LOVE that song by Ginny Owens. Powerful words for sure! Keep listening to music and reading words that speak the truth into your life. God knows who we are and he is pursuing us!

  12. You guys honestly have no idea how much these verses are meaning to me and speaking to me! So encouraging!! I thank you soooo much!!

    Thank you all for your comments!

    and Lauren, thank you for that verse and leaving me a comment! I'm sorry you're going through a similar issue, but God is definitely there with us!
    Thank you for that encouraging comment and I'm so glad that God is speaking to you through this time! and hey..He even used you to encourage someone else ;)

  13. Thank you for sharing - you give others the space to be honest too.

    And thanks for the follow too ;)

    I'll be back & I l o v e your little cupcake gal.

  14. Hey girls, this was beautiful. I think all to often we feel the pressure to be perfect and all too often that is interpreted as only saying happy things. I know I've been in some VERY difficult situations, and honestly I think the sad and difficult moments make our life stories that much more beautiful. I know it's har in the meantime, but God is in your midst :)

  15. Lex, I cannot say much that all of these wonderful girls above havent already said. i do not know any verses to share...although i can definitely say that i can relate with what you are feeling. you know, its funny, but while you were gone for that week, i missed you everyday. it wasnt the same not seeing your little comments and your wonderful funny posts. i dont know why i feel like i know you, even james asked about you every few days and he doesnt ask about any of my online friends. wish so badly we could hang out and just sit and veg to movies all day. hope so much that this passes soon for you. some of the deepest and more meaningful trials seem to last the longest. and with the love you possess in your heart i have no doubt that beautiful things will be created out of this mess. i know ive told you before, but some of the most humiliating things in my life have made me a much more beautiful soul, and i am now thankful for the awful crap that had to be gone through to get there. love you!

  16. That depression sounds EXACTLY like how I've been feeling lately......

    Trusting God can get really hard.... good chunk of the reason I'm not dealing with my stress very well if ya know what I mean.

    But read Romans 5:3-5 It semi-helps.

    Love you Lex

  17. You've totally got this under control.

    Actually wait, no you don't.

    He has this in control.

    Which is even better.

    You are beautiful.

  18. I really love those pictures.

    Hope you feel better :(


  19. i can completely relate with you, 100% - actually. but, i don't want to undermine your feelings and what you are going through by saying that either. i know when someone says that, i kinda think "you don't know what i am going through, there's no way!". i'm a fairly new friend to your blog, and i really wish i could say more without it sounding insincere. but from the little time i've 'known' you, i can tell you are a very strong, beautiful girl and i know god will grant you all the happiness in the world. without hard times we cannot gain an appreciation for the good ones, eh? i know, i'm a little cheesy. like i said, i share these feelings, if you ever need to talk or even vent, i am here. and it's the least i can do but, i will keep you in my prayers. take care, you beautiful girl.

  20. I never would have figured you for anti social Lex...all the sweet comments you leave and the beautiful posts you write are always so OPEN and truthful.
    Seriously if this is you being isolated -- here, sharing everything with us, all your deepest thoughts, then I can't fathom what you must be like when you aren't feeling down:)

    Even if you don't feel it, your blog is always an inspiring place for me to come, like it says on the logo 'quirky madness with a sprinkle of sweetness', it's cute, funny, happy, and personal all at the same time.

    Even now when your talking about how closed off you feel, you describe it in such an open way it's just awesome!

    Maybe this new you is just a revised version of your old self and isn't necessarily bad...maybe all you need is to adjust to it differently and stop comparing the new to the keep trying to heal but what if you are already healed?!

    I don't know you (like for instance) as well as I know my sister or cousin, but you seem like a great person to me just the way you are.
    your not robotic and anti-social to me your one of the most open people I know, it's one of the things I love so much about your blog!!
    you can express exactly what your feeling and thinking and mean what you say.

    anyway here is another long rambling comment for you to read:)
    I've missed your blog!


  21. hiya. i hope u feel better! those are kool piks.thx for sharing

  22. awww girl...looks like you already have a million encouraging comments. but i want you to know that you are exactly where you need to be. those emotions are in ALL of us. and we walk around trying to present the face we think everyone wants to see or will accept. and sometimes at a certain point in ones life, those all bubble to the surface, asking for your attention. all i can say is you are NOT alone in this whatsoever. and try as much as you can, i know it is a herculean task, but try so hard to love those dark parts of yourself. love them and nourish them as if they were a little child needing love and attention. and accept those parts of you bc it's natural. try to feed yourself with as much information that supports where you are at. i have this dvd, the shadow effect by debbie ford that talks about this very topic. it's SUCH a good dvd! here's the link to it in case you are interested:

  23. I know those feelings all too well, in fact I'm still kind of in that stage. Fear not, as all things, it shall pass. Give yourself time. Whatever you're feeling, feel it. 'Tis part of the experience of being a human being. Above all, know that you are not alone in this. <3


  25. Don't worry because everything little gonna be alright!!

  26. I know it's hard to feel such deep and strong feelings, but you're really brave for confronting them. The older I get, the more shy and snti-social I become, I so I can understnad that part, and it's really hard to overcome. I know that God's plans can be really confusing sometimes, but just know that you'll look back at this time of your life and realize that it was all part of something bigger!