I've been sitting here since Sunday wondering what I should write about.
I mean, come on I've had a week off, I should have something to share.
but I've found myself.....speechless.
I've had so much weighing down on me, emotions I'm not comfortable to admitting to.
Somehow I was able to realize and admit the emotion I'm carrying most (or at least I feel I am).
I explained to you guys the whole depression thing and how I've felt I've lost myself. I used to be a girl that was so bubbly, outgoing, talked to strangers, made friends with anyone on the street, but somewhere along the journey that girl was lost. A few things have just affected me so hard. I've literally had to learn how to talk to people and be around them again. After being isolated at home sick for 4 months, I became extremely anti-social. I hated being around people, hated crowds, couldn't talk anymore without stuttering and mumbling every other word. I was no longer comfortable speaking with people. It's a horrible thing, especially when you forget how to do things that were once so natural. You don't even know how to get it back.
I've come a long way but I still don't like crowds, still get pretty shy, and sometimes still feel uncomfortable saying hi to people, so for anyone who's reading this and seen me more distant, it's not that I hate you, I really don't. I don't really know why I get so uncomfortable. I think part of it now is I'm afraid of them seeing right through me, seeing that I just feel like a mess inside, and I'm just sad.
Don't get me wrong, there are more happy days then sad days now! I've been getting better, but there's still a bunch of growth that needs to be done. But I'm just ANGRY! I want a break!! I want to feel happy again! I want to feel carefree again! I don't want to be uncomfortable in a crowd! I don't want to deal with the struggles I deal with! I just want to BREATHE!!! do you ever feel like you're just suffocating?
But I know God is faithful. I know that right now I might not understand it all, and yes, it makes me angry that I'm still in this, but I know God has a plan and there is a purpose to it all. How can I help someone if I cannot empathize with them? Somethings are just hard to understand unless you've been there, and maybe perhaps that's why I've had to go through so much. Honestly though, I'm just tired of this part. I wish I could fast forward to the good part.
I'm just being stubborn though and not trusting Him. I want things my way and NOW! but God doesn't work that way, which isn't a bad thing, because I'm sure if he just made me happy now, I would be missing out on a lot of the training. I guess he just has me going through Bootcamp now.
Well I guess so much for being speechless.
This isn't really what I would have wanted to write about. I would have wanted to write about something happy and encouraging, but instead I poured out my heart and thoughts to you guys.
Perhaps maybe, this is part of the journey I share with you. When I am healed and back to my old self and just filled with life again, you'll know why, how, and what it took to get me there as well as where I came from.
The Song that Sings My Heart Tale
The other day a friend of mine took out her guitar and sang our class a beautiful song that sent chills all over my body. I felt every word, its as if she sang away my heart.
It's called If You Want Me To by Ginny Owens
The pathway is broken
And The signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to
Cause I'm not who I was
When I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
so if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will walk through the fire
If You want me to
It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone
So When the whole world turns against me
And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley If You want me to