Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Just a little Venting.

Have you ever just sat there, the only sound around is the beat the clock makes while it ticks. Your body, frozen still, while your mind is running 1,000 miles per hour, yet everything's a blur.
The only thing you feel are the warm tears that run down your face.
The overwhelming weight of your heart has you plastered to where you lay.
And you start to ask yourself, how did I get here?
How did I become this way?

God can you hear me? Are you watching me anymore? Have I pushed you too far?

I know I've been so angry with You and just shut You out.
It's just this is all too overwhelming and I've grown hopeless.
But I can't make it through this without You. Can you still hear me?

then to get up and go to work, hoping you could make it through the day without crying and making a scene.

Have you ever felt your heart grow hard?  Barricaded by the walls  built around it?
Only left confused on how to tear them down? They're so strong and heavy, you try to remove one brick at a time, and all of a sudden an intimidating factor appears and that one brick that was taken off has been placed back and stacked three rows higher.

There gets to a point you almost begin to feel not human. Numb. and yet there is still pain.
I don't really know. There's so much confusion and pain inside that I can't even begin to verbally express the surface of it all. but somehow it almost feels like your dead inside.

The people you once felt so comfortable with are just a constant reminder of how you've changed. The awkwardness settles as your in a room filled with people, laughing, joking, and you long so much to just feel that for a moment, and partake in the joy but instead your silent, alone, and just more aware of how different you've become and wondering if you'll ever be that way again.

Maybe you've noticed that I haven't said I to any of this, rather you, I think for one I'm wondering if I'm alone here, and second, to express this under I, scares me. I don't know, it's written all the same, but to claim and confess all of this, just scares me.

I've just grown so weary of it all and at the end of the day, I just feel completely foolish.

Well I guess that's enough venting for  today.

I wish I could be here doing this right now.


  1. I don't think you are alone. I have felt this way, especially lately. Even now. It's a terrible feeling and I myself don't know what to do about it.

  2. i definitely don't think you are alone lady...i too many times feel like this...all too often too.

    but there is only so far we can travel down the wrong road...the road that leads away from Him until we realize that we are at a dead end and when we turn around to face Him he is right there with arms open waiting...

    making a u-turn now...

  3. you are not alone in this... I felt the same way before... I could really relate to when you started talking about being in room full of people and feeling very... alone... Hang in there. I also don't know what to do about these feelings either, I think it's almost like a haunting at times and then it just passes some days... Hang in there, tomorrow will be a brighter day. :)

  4. thank you for this. nope. not alone.

    heart hardened - check.
    warm tears - check. check.
    shutting god our father out. check.
    wondering when this shit will let up? check.

    sorry, i don't know you well, but i am here. i do get it. i can say that with confidence.

    try to raise the shades a little today to let just a sliver of sunshine in. it helps to make loneliness know that it is no longer welcome.

  5. whenever I feel confused, frustrated, disappointed, sad, angry...

    I always say...
    There will always be better days =)

  6. You're so not alone. I am crying right now... today was great, and then well, its not so much anymore... and its all by something i've done and CAN still control, but for some reason it hurts.

    like brooke said, lets me our you turn.

  7. I lift you up in prayer. I don't know details but I do know that He can fill the gaps in your heart that keep you questioning.

  8. You are so not alone. There are times when we all go through these types of feelings and emotions. It just takes strength to pull ourselves out of them and move on. :)

  9. I understand.

    I wish I could be in that room with you and we could sit in the corner talking about how hard it is...while everyone laughs around us experiencing happiness.

    I wish that when your body feels to heavy to lift out of bed, I could be on the floor crying with you, and we could both talk about how hard it is, even to talk...and the emptiness that hurts at the same time.

    And God. Feeling like He's gone. I wish I could remind you that right now He is so close to you. He's holding you in His arms because He knows you need it. He's your father and He would never leave His child alone in pain. Feeling far from Him just goes with the territory...

    "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand." Isaiah 41:10

    I wish I had the words to make it patient and the sun will show it's self again.

    Lots of love ~ Michelle

  10. Thank you guys for all your comments. They've meant alot to me and the verses. I've been reading through the book of prophets and God's just been speaking to me a lot through them. I'll be writing a bit about it soon.

    I just wanted to thank you all! and tell you guys I love you!
    And know if you ever need someone too I'm here! ^_^

  11. Hey Cupcake Sniper, I've had depression in the past, and it sounds like you mist be suffering with it yourself. Take yourself down to the Doctor's and try and get some advice and don't stop praying, we all doubt sometimes. I know I have. Hope you feel better soon! Love from England, xxx

  12. aaw hun hope u feel better.. love you aloot. and i no ur a strong person.. im sure u'll fight this out.


  13. awww, i hope you are feeling better lex. did something happen or is it just general sadness? i have def felt that way many times before...the aloneness in the middle of a room full of friends. i started to go thru a lot of changes between 25 and 30.... i'm 32 now and FINALLY starting to feel like i can own my feelings and really own being me. it took a lot of work and learning and soul searching. i think it is just something that a lot of people go thru around this's like growing pains or something...coming into your own. you will be ok!!!

  14. I started reading your blog and it made me curious. I started reading the Bible and it made me happy. I am sorry you are sad. I look forward to a happier post...but I just wanted you to helped me open my heart to God. Since starting my studies, I feel better in the sense that I'm not so angry all the time and I have more patience with people. I just wanted you to know that. You are special and good...and you helped me out a lot. Thank you and I hope you know that you are not alone, and even when you think your dimming out you are still lighting a path for others who are lost with your blog. Take care!

  15. Hi! I am a new reader here at cupcake sniper and I just wanted to drop a quick hello and let you know how much I enjoy reading your blog. I appreciate your honestly and vulnerability. You can check out my blog at

    Oh, and if you have a minute... 1 john 5:4 is a great verse that helps me in down times.