Friday, October 16, 2009

A Strive to be Thin

What is it about us women constantly striving to be thin? Why is it that the media has such a strong influence in creating our idea of beauty? I speak as a guilty party who has fallen under the trap of lies. Although knowing our idea of beauty today is one set upon fakeness (pardon my made up word ) and unrealistic views, it still carries such a strong hold of hope that somehow and someway we can achieve the ultimate. Do you ever find that you are harder on yourself than anyone else? I know I do. For example, Queen Latifah is one of the most beautiful women both inside and out. Even before she began losing weight on Jenny Craig’s diet I never thought she needed to lose weight because she was gorgeous the way she was with her gorgeous face and beautiful curves.

If I can see her for all her beauty, why is it that l I had such a struggle with feeling hideous weighing 176 3 yrs ago? And what was I willing to sacrifice to attain beauty? For many years I just continued to see myself growing…not taller…but sideways but I had no motivation to do anything until I got really sick for 4 months and realized I had to change some habits. Not only did the sickness motivate my new change but a comment from a stranger that has forever stayed. I was walking down the mall when an older man looked and said loud enough for me to hear, “she would be so pretty if she lost weight, it’s a shame she’s so fat”. A strangers words that are just for a moment can have an ever longing effect.

I'm the plumpier one on the left

My strive to be healthy began by watching Extreme Makeover (not the home edition) and I became motivated believing that I could make a change as well and so I began a diet. Slowly but surely I began losing. After going to several doctors, even the Mayo clinic, which is one of the best hospitals, and having no answer or solution to what was causing me to have horrible migraines everyday and low blood pressure that would cause me to pass out after standing for just 2 minutes, my father recommended I go to a natural doctor. I went to see Dr. Corey Cameron who was an answered prayer. Dr. Cameron was able to get me off all the strong medicines and put me on a detox called Isagenix, I began to feel healthy, and I ended up doing the 90 day Isagenix program and lost 30 lbs! I was able to start working out again, spinning, jogging, and aerobics.

The picture below was after I did the Isagenix.

This was when my now hubby, was just a very good friend :D What a hottie! (sorry got sidetracked)

The Isagenix brings great results but it is really hard to follow after 90 days so I had to start thinking of a more long term solution. I started looking around at different diet pills and researching. Finally I chose Hydroxycut. Hydroxycut worked! People were asking me how I lost so much weight so fast! In a matter of weeks! I liked the added energy but the only downfall was the heart palpitations that sometimes would not allow me to work out. Although I knew of harmful consequences it was not enough to make me stop, because the results held greater value.

A friend of mine started taking these chinese pills called Lida and lost 40 lbs. After hearing of her great success, I bought myself a bottle and saw a dramatic change. The chinese pills got me to weighing 120lbs even without working out. I was able cheat often and not gain. Isn’t that every girls dream?? Finally instead of people telling me that I needed to lose weight I was hearing the opposite! “Don’t lose anymore, you’ve gotten so skinny”. Somehow I thought those words would bring comfort to me, but they didn’t. Now a greater fear came, “What if I gain weight? Will they call me ugly again? Will they make fun of me for getting fat?” Although I reached my goal, the pressure continued, my strive to be thin took over. What causes us to see something that isn’t really there? Weighing 120 I still saw myself as 176, not able to feel beautiful in my own skin. My strive to be thin has become my main priority. I have become so addicted that I have not been able to give up these pills. These pills are great but have also caused different side effects in me such as tired, weak, and moody. I’ve been thinking about stopping because I feel the effects, but the visual results make me think twice, and I’ve allowed “beauty” to overrule my health.

Here I was actually 5lbs over and although I was extremely happy to be marrying the man of my dreams, I was not happy with my appearance nor weight. I was dreading having to be in a bathing suit infront of people on our honeymoon. How does a person let it get this far? The desire to be beautiful and feeling inadequate?

I say all this to ask, what is beauty? If reaching a weight goal isn’t it, what makes a woman feel beautiful? What makes a 200 lb woman and a 115lb woman beautiful? If it’s not what the media is telling us then what is it? Even the most beautiful women we long to look like struggle with some insecurity, but why? This vicious cycle is even now over taking girls as young as 5 years old.

Who has so much control to make us believe we are not beautiful unless we reach a certain standard?


  1. Bigger or smaller you are still gorgeous!
    I have a friend who went through an eating disorder. She wasn't even fat to start out with but in her eyes she wasn't happy with her weight.
    I am bigger, and I think I am finally starting to like myself the way I am.
    I've learned that confidence isn't all about being thin but about the way you present yourself. And I don't have to lose weight to look and feel good. I've learned to wear clothes that suit my body shape, and that's made me so much more confident.

  2. Hi Felicia,

    Thank you so much for your comment!
    I think you are in the best place to be, a place where you like yourself. Man I want to reach that place. I had it at some point and with a few painful words it was gone. What was the turning point for you where you became confident and realized how beautiful you were?

  3. Well over the summer I tried losing weight, I didn't lose a significant amount but it was still a start. I started watching style/makeover shows on TLC and they would always say that you don't have to lose weight to feel good. You just need to learn to dress right and the confidence will come. I guess thats my attitude towards things now. I know that I will never have the "perfect" body so I should make the most of what I have now and not waste my time hating myself or wishing to be thin. For the most part I have a positive outlook on things.
    You can definitely reach your body peace again. Just believe in yourself and know that no one but yourself can tear you down! Love what you've been given and work it girl :)
    And yes at times I can get torn down. I come from an Asian family and all the girls are stick thin and gorgeous. So basically every time the family gets together, the discussion of how I am bigger than all the other girls always comes up. It use to really hurt and bother me, but now I know that they don't have to be happy with the way I am, I have to be happy with the way I am.
    I hope you can come to good terms with yourself, and know that you are gorgeous no matter what!

  4. Thanks so much felicia for your words of encouragement. Yea I dread family events. lol When I was bigger that was always the topic and I thought when I lost that would be the end of it, but nope..there's always something else to criticize. lol I really like your outlook on everything. I think you can definitely be a great spokesperson and rolemodel for girls. It's so sad how so many of us end up struggling with these issues.
    A good show I watch when I get down and it always springs me back up is "How to look good naked" I know it sounds weird but it is the best!!! So motivating and encouraging. You can go to and watch it!! I wish I could go to it! lol
    I definitely have to work on changing my outlook, for too long I've allowed others words to affect me where now I've become the one who has imprisoned myself in a wall of criticism from past experiences when I have the key to be free.
    I guess sometimes it's just easier said than done :\
    by the way, I saw your picture and you are ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  5. Haha thanks, so are you :)
    I've seen some episodes of How to Look Good Naked, it's very encouraging and inspiring. And yes it's definitely easier said then done, but maybe if it's said often enough it will gradually become easier. I remember reading about how giving yourself compliments everyday helps you love yourself. I haven't personally tried this, but I'm sure it's a good technique. I really believe you can change, just believe in yourself <3
    Oh and the cupcake with the gun is so adorable!!

  6. whered you buy the LIDA at?
    &btw- you are GORGEOUS!

  7. Thank you!
    Glad you think so.
    Here's the website for Lida. Lida formula has changed so they are recommending people by slim forte.
    I would suggest you look up before you buy. It works, but you do end up feeling weird. 2 other friends of mine tried it and lost weight and could handle physical effects..but 2 other ones stopped because they couldn't take it.

    I think it depends on every person. I kind of stopped for a bit cause it's worried me of whether this one was changed too and how it will effect me long term. Again this is your decision.
    I stopped, but only time will tell how long it is before I get sucked back into them.

    If you do try it let me know how it goes. Please read other reviews on this product though. :D

  8. oops I forgot to give you website :x my bad.

  9. btw I love your page!!!! and you don't need lida at all!!! your beautiful!
    and I love how your personality shines through your page :D

  10. Oh my, lady- you are so amazingly sweet! Thank you so much! I had heard good things about lida previously, but I also heard that there are A LOT of people out there selling faux lida that doesn't work and then you just waste your money! I've gotten so busy over the last year and a half and put on extra weight that I really want to get rid of. I'm such an energy drink junkie that I use those to get through my day and rarely get truly active. I've decided to get healthier and want to steer away from the energy drinks and coffee, so I figured something like this would help at least kick start things for me! :) you are an absolute doll and completely gorgeous! Thanks again for all the info!

  11. yea energy drinks can be bad for your heart :(
    even though that extra kick is always nice!
    Well, I think that website is legit, if you hear otherwise let me know!
    If you want I can send you a box. I bought 3 before. i'm keeping one in stash for you know, when i slip into needing it again :D but I can definitely send you one so you can try it! Lida definitely works!!
    bad side is that I stopped working out so although I did lose weight, i lost muscle and got all soft :( but on the plus side, I lost a lot of weight quickly :D and it used to be really hard for me to lose weight. I had to work harder than the average person! that always is a debbie
    If you want email me an address I can send it to and I'll send it your way. You honestly don't need it, you're absolutely beautiful, but I am a girl so I know it's important to reach a place where we ourselves feel comfortable in our own skin :D
    o0o and I don't know if you're into working out but spinning was probably the funnest workout ever!! or the firm video workouts :D
    I want to try a bellydancing one! ;)
    learn sexy moves and trim down! 2 birds with one stone!!
    my email is:

    Hear from you soon :D
    If you need help with anything let me know :D

  12. Thank you soooo much! I sent you an email!
    Talk to you soon!

  13. hey hun just wanted to let you know i never got the email :\ didn't want you to think I was ignoring you.
    Try it again. :D

  14. Wow! I saw that you were following my blog so I came to check out yours. What a phenomenal entry. I used to be anorexic and I too took diet pills and always felt uncomfortable with my weight. I still do, but I'm no longer on pills and I eat normally. I'm now trying to be actually HEALTHY and not just thin.

  15. Really?! I sent it to the above email address.... hmm ill send it again now. Let me know if you get it!

  16. I got it :D lol finally! darn cyberspace connection stealers! >_<

    I'll try to get it out to you as soon as possible hun :D

  17. i'm so with you on this. i was about 160 lbs. at my heaviest, and got down to 120 during college, but still wasn't happy. i remember never feeling confident even then. i've gone up and down since then, and i think i've finally found my "happy weight" at 137. i always struggle with it because it sounds like so much to me, but if i look good in the clothes i'm wearing and i feel good about myself, why should a number matter? i think it's a continual struggle that we as women go through....especially those of us who've experienced the acceptance and compliments that come along with going from being the "big girl" to being the "thin girl". i have to continually remind myself of the proverbs 31 verse (that you already quoted before) "charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the lord is to be praised". i've actually even considered tatooing this on myself since i seem to forget this so often!

  18. lol yea it's easy to forget, you're not alone! If you ever get the tattoo I'd love to see it :D You can always paint it across your mirror :D hmm..I might just do that too :D If you ever find yourself struggling with thoughts know you have a friend here that will help you through the bad thoughts back up to the good ones!

  19. hey alexie! just read this now and I praise God for your transparency. I'v battles anorexia now for 10 years and though I can say that the battle has been won by Jesus, the thoughts are still there. I am with you on this one.

    True Beauty to me is found in a true surrendered heart to God. Earthly beauty, well... its in the eyes of the beholder.

  20. Raquel, I'm really sorry to hear you've been dealing with that. People who haven't faced it have no idea what it's like and the battles you constantly face! But we are lucky to have a great God who is here to help us fight this battle! Again, if you ever need anyone to talk to or pray with know I am here for you mama. You are beautiful!

  21. Oh my goodness, you and your hubs are just the cutest things ever!
    Can you move to where I live and become my personal makeup consultant/cupcake elf (only because I, too, love baking; you can be my second in command).

    But the real reason I'm writing this is because I've dealt with the exact same feelings...
    A lot of people who haven't been overweight before don't understand what I mean when I talk about the fact that even after weight loss an overweight body doesn't just disappear - I even blogged about it here.
    I look in the mirror and see someone who can always be improved; I'm always striving to look better or saying I need to diet and then feeling guilty when I don't follow through.
    So reading your thoughts showed me I'm not the only one who feels this way.
    I gained about ten or so pounds back after losing about forty-five (with it I was just barely obese, I think, so I just started dieting and exercising and it melted away); my friends say they can hardly tell but I feel like a whale sometimes because I know what it feels like to be thaaat much thinner.

    The thing is - and I don't know you, or what your body type is, what the heck Chinese pills are (lol) - thin does not necessarily mean healthy.
    That's something you might want to consider - that, and the fact that God loves you so very much and you are made in His image.
    That sounds pretty beautiful to me!!

    Thanks for your kind comments, by the by!!
    How sweet you are.

    <3 Grace.

  22. OMG!! THAT WOULD BE SOOOO MUCH FUN!! WE CAN BE CUPCAKE MAKING BUDDIES and we can have girl time fooling with each others makeup ;)

    Grace, it is such a struggle! I've been dealing with it a lot lately. Especially after this ladies comment, "You've gained weihght after marriage haven't you?" Oh well yes, how kind of you to notice! >_< lol I sometimes feel I don't know what reality is anymore, when looking in the mirror that is.
    I definitely just have to remind myself that I am wonderfully and beautifully made :D Thank you so much for your comment. you have no idea how much I needed to hear those words. Not many people do understand, but having someone who understands and relates, encourage you, there's nothing better :D
    (I wish you never had to deal with that stuff though, but thank you for sharing your story with me. I'm going to go read it in your blog now!! )

    BTW I think you're absolutely beautiful!!! in all your pictures, you are just gorgeous!!!!


  23. I realize you made this post awhile ago, but I just stumbled across your blog today and reading this post really hit home with me. Over the past four years I have lost around 50 lbs, I started at 160 and am now 112. I did it through eating smaller portions, working out like a crazy person and other things I am not entirely proud of...but like you said it is amazing what we are willing to sacrifice to be thin. I am also dealing with the constant fear of gaining weight and still see myself as the 160 lb person I was all those years ago. It is a hard struggle and I found it so touching that you are so open about your experience.

  24. It is an extremely hard struggle. Even harder, is when people don't understand how real it is to you and how hard it is to see yourself differently.
    If you scroll up the comments to Grace, and click on her link, I believe she explained what we go through so well.
    If you get the chance email me:

    We're not alone, I think sometimes we think we are, and we feel crazy about it all, but that's the worst lie ever. We have a God who loves us and sees us as beautiful and he gives us friends that have been through the same thing to support and encourage. I'm here :D

  25. I agree, Grace did a wonderful job of explaining what it is we're going through. Thank you for your kind words. I'm glad I came across your blog. my e-mail is

  26. i sent you an email today. i just wanted to thank you and tell you how beautiful you are inside and out. :)