Monday, December 14, 2009

my heart is broken but it is mendable.

This past week has been a hard week for me filled with heartache, sadness, lack of motivation, and tears.
I haven't really been able to write much because, well, my point of writing to you all is to encourage, not to drag any of you down. I feel as though I must share this though. This is for anyone who is feeling this way at this moment.

I shared with my mom the other day how I felt the depression was finding it's way back. Each day a little more sadness had been added and it was getting harder to fight off. Motivation had fleeted from me which made it harder each day to force myself to do something, keep myself afloat. Once again, I just wanted to hide from the world in my little cave. There's an uncomfortableness I feel when I'm around people I know when I'm at this state because I fear they can see right through me, see that my heart is aching, see my weakness. At that same moment, I don't have the energy to fake a smile, so instead, I disconnect myself from the world as though there's no existence.

My mom is the greatest though, she never looks down or judges me, instead gives me words of comfort, encouragement, and always sets my eyes on where they should be, without negating my feelings.
Last week she told me to check out a teaching by Jon Courson, called, The "Defacto" savior. Of course, me being stubborn and feeling "I didn't have time" I put it off...until today...until the moment I felt desperate.

These questions came up while listening...I ask you to write these down and answer them when you have some time to yourself. Maybe you'll learn something about yourself..I know I did.
  1. Who or what am I serving? - we all serve something...
  2. Who is my "De Facto" (Infact) savior? - What does this mean? (See question 3).
  3. Who or what do I turn to when I'm depressed? Anxious? Worried? Afraid? Despaired?
  4. What is the first thing you grab?? whether the remote control, video games, computer, food? alcohol? drugs? sex? God?
Whatever you Answer to 3 and 4 are your "DeFacto" saviors.

My "De Facto" savior has been video games (WOW) I used it as a place of escape from reality, a place I didn't have to think about any worries or pain. I realized this and gave it up..but I did not realize until now...I had others.

My computer...When I'm depressed, I run straight to my computer. Looking for a source of happiness out there whether in a blog, video, or pictures..internally I cry out DISTRACT ME! SAVE ME! HELP ME!

Food...I either eat a lot or don't eat at all when I'm down..hoping somehow I'll eat away my pain which only causes more pain when I look in the mirror...such a conundrum.

Bed....I just lay in bed...thinking...or wanting to sleep so I can sleep through it all. A refuge of escape.

Alex...(my husband) When I'm down I expect that he will help me and get me out of this depression, but that is too much responsibility to put on one person. He is human, how can I put that kind of pressure on him, when the ONLY one who can truly comfort me is God.

There's a story in 2 Chronicles 16:12, if you don't have a bible just click 2 Chronicles 16 
, this story is about a man named Asa who loved God and he did what was right in the eyes of the Lord.  As time went on he got a disease on his feet (for us this may be, depression, financial problems, relationship problems, school, physical issues)and in this time Asa did not seek out God but instead the physicians.
This isn't saying Dr.s are bad, but who or what do we run to first at the sight of a problem!?

He didn't ask, "Lord help me! What do you want from me? What can I do for you?"

and honestly, I haven't either. I have ran to everything else but God. Sure I've prayed, but I have not sought out God. I have not poured out my heart to God. (and then I wonder how I've gotten this way).

Instead of pouring out to God I have been more like these guys in Judges 10:

11The LORD said to the sons of Israel, "Did I not deliver you from the Egyptians, the Amorites, the sons of Ammon, and the Philistines?
 12"Also when the Sidonians, the Amalekites and the Maonites oppressed you, you cried out to Me, and I delivered you from their hands.
 13"Yet you have forsaken Me and served other gods; therefore I will no longer deliver you.
 14"Go and cry out to the gods which you have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your distress."

God has delivered me from SOOOOO much throughout my life, and yet, I have forsaken him and served objects, these little "gods", such as my computer, music, myself, my husband, video games, anything and everything, asking them to help me, to give me instant relief,but I have not sought out my God.  When nothing else can be my "De Facto" Infact Savior!

God's heart breaks for us, who else's really would?

Who or what are you serving? Who or what is your "De Facto" Savior?

I feel so ashamed, that all along, my Savior has been here, stretching out His hand to help me, and I've pushed it away, saying, "these things" will save me.

If you guys would like to listen to it you can go here ->

Hope you guys enjoy, don't put it off like I did.

<3 Lex


  1. Lex, thank you for sharing this. I have never thought that I battled with depression, but while reading this, I have felt those same feelings, on numerous occasions. I have not wanted to be around my best friends for those very same reasons.

    It comes and goes in waves. But I definately run to things other than God.

    Mine are sweet foods first...which I always feel the same way you do about that.

    Another is definately my husband, which is so unfair to him. I dont even realize Im doing it...

    And reading, I will absorb myself in inspirational or self help books so to speak. which these can be very helpful, but they are only temporary fixes.

    Its weird, I have only had a relationship with God for a few years now. And its been a spotty road. I used to despise the idea of all religion. But somehow finally came to a point where I felt comfortable with it. But I dont always...I start to feel this awkward guilt for seeking God's guidance, because I never cared before and then one day I did. I dont know if you understand this feeling...I was not raised with religion, and the parts that I did get from outside influence were all so negative, it made me want nothing to do with it. But when I realized that its a personal relationship and journey, that changed everything.

    Thanks for speaking out about this, I know there are others out there who must feel the same way, and its always warming to feel a connection with others in these ways.

  2. well you certainly aren't alone in the lack of motivation, depression, seeking distraction, etc etc etc..... in fact, it's a very common thing and it keeps coming up a lot lately. me, my friends and my boyfriend all talk about it. we try to find little things to do that get us out of our rut and inspire us. try not to beat yourself up about ANY of it. you don't need to feel ashamed about anything. just keep trying and never give up on yourself. we're all doing our best :)

  3. I loved this post! It really made me think about some of the ways I have been feeling lately. I haven't been talking to many people, and I haven't been sharing my feelings often, so I feel so alone with everything that I am dealing with. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one having a hard time, you know?

    Thank you :)

  4. i am glad that you shared this with us. i know its hard getting personal, but i can totally relate to you and am glad you shared it. i too have suffered from depression and anxiety, and lately feel it creeping back. i do the same things that you do to try and make it go away, but you are right, there is always a hand reaching out, just waiting for us to grab on to it. we are not alone :) you are wonderful girl, thanks for inspiring me! i hope you get feelin better! :)

  5. by far your best blog

  6. Laura: I know the guilt your talking about. A lot of times I haven't wanted to go to him because I feel like I'm not really worthy, or that I've only gone to Him when I've needed Him so I just stop all together. Or that I was getting close to Him and then abandoned Him altogether. Honestly that's just a lie from hell.

    If we really look into His Word, we see that the men He used, were the ones no one wanted, denied him, and were constantly putting their foot in their mouth. David, a man after his own heart...look at the mistakes he made, Saul...who killed SOOOO many christians...God made him Paul...and wow, if you just read up on Him...the change God made in His heart...but Paul surrendered. That's been my problem. God doesn't care about my mistakes like I do...He just needs me to surrender..but I'm an indian giver...i give it..then take it back :( This time..I want to give it all to him for sure...It was just a really big realization today.
    Thank you Laura for your encouragement!! You'll be in my prayers too. This depression thing is no fun. lol

  7. myownlittleuniverse:thank you sweety. <3

    EmilyLynne: You are not alone, that's a big lie I think we tell ourselves..because we honestly just feel that way inside, but we're not. If you ever need to talk (any of you) and feel no one will understand know I'm here for you all. Just make sure you talk to God first ;)
    I'm glad this post was able to bring some comfort to you!

    Chloe: Thank you Chloe for your support and encouragement. Know I'll be praying for you too!
    Reach back out to that hand ;)

  8. thanks for sharing this i hope you feel better ^^

  9. Smile, Lex!
    I know how hard it is to deal with sadness - it gets so overwhelming!
    I admire you and am proud of your steadfast devotion to God and I know that you know He will carry you through this and provide you with peace in due time.
    It might take a while, but He WILL set all things right - and in the meantime, stay positive, dear!
    Let me know if I can pray for anything specific.

    In other news, I'm sending something to you, AT LAST, tomorrow.

    <3 Grace.

  10. Aw! I'm so sorry you are going through some crummy times! I really relate to how you described your feelings. It's such a gross feeling and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I think it's really wonderful that you have your mom to talk to. It hard when you don't have anyone who understands that your depression can come and go. I turn to the computer a lot too when I'm feeling depressed. And a lot of time I pull out my sketch book and scribble or draw depressing people. For a long time I have really depended on my fiance to cheer me up, but I always feel bad dumping all of my problems on him. I agree with you that it's too much pressure and responsibility for one person to deal with. And sometimes loved ones don't understand why you feel depressed when there is nothing majorly wrong in your life. But you should never feel bad that you aren't your normal cheerful self. We are all fragile and emotional beings, and being depressed is nothing to be ashamed of. I think it's easy to forget that God is always waiting for us to ask for help. We think that we can fix all of our problems on our own. But it's such a wonderful feeling when you finally realize that you can't do it alone. Thanks for sharing with us! Your blog really inspires me and makes me feel like I'm alone in my daily struggles! I will definitely pray for you!!

  11. so important that your shared this. my defacto savior would probably be craig and my computer. it's so easy to look to other things rather than God. and it's so true....we wonder why we get this way when we're not seeking out the only help that will truly be effective.

    one thing that helped me when i was going through a rough time of depression in college was to focus on someone else once during my day. i like to make little cards, and i was living in a house of 50 girls, so i would write an encouragement card to someone every day, or make a conscious effort to do something thoughtful for someone else. i know that for me when i'm feeling depressed it gets worse and compounds because i start focusing inwardly and dwelling on the things making me sad. by shifting my focus (even just for a short time) i was able to get out of my own thoughts and experience moments of joy that eventually (along with other things) helped pull me out of my funk.

    glad you found this, and i'll be praying for you this week.

  12. Cheer up darling! :/
    I'm worried about u.
    It's just a period. A few weeks ago I felt the same way too, but now I feel relieved because I left it behind.
    I hope everything will turn all right.
    and for the motivation u should write down a to-do-list.
    Sometimes it helps, you could try.


  13. hi friend.

    you have a little award on my blog. that is all. hope your today is a good one.

  14. i am smitten with this post...such raw emotion and soul here...i am definitely following and a new crush has been your heart and desire to seeking Him lady...just awesome!!

  15. I'm so glad you wrote this; it really resonated with me. I've had problems with depression for years, and some days all I want to do is curl up in bed and feel sad, or, like you said, run to the computer in the hopes that I'll find something there to distract me. I forget so quickly that God is the one I ought to be turning to.

    I like what Lauren said in her comment, that when she was feeling down she would focus on someone else for the day. I've definitely found that it helps if I sit down and write a letter to a friend, or make something for a family member, because it takes my mind off of me and my own problems. (And let's face it, I could do with thinking about myself less :)

  16. The Uniqorn: Thank you. I know it'll pass. I just felt it strong enough to share. thank you for your encouragement!

    Brooke: yay thank you :D

    Stacey: It's so easy to forget. And yea Lauren is definitely right. It reminded me of how I used to always do that. If I was down I would just go and serve people, but I've locked myself away and forgotten to do that. Have to get back to it! Thanks for the reminder guys!

  17. you know dont want to sound freaky but on monday i was in my room i was feeling very depressed and God gave me tht same verse to read about freeing his ppl from the egyptians. i feel like we sometimes forget tht thr is someone more powerful tht created everything and everyone tht can take care of even the ants and why wouldnt he care for us. very shocked by this post because everywer i go or look something is there to remind me tht he hasnt left me and he never will. thanks for the post. kind of late to comment though... (:


  18. Cris: It's cause He loves you so much, He wants to show you in everything, so that not even a moment can pass without you knowing! it's never too late to comment ;)

    I'm so glad that He keeps showing you and that you are seeing Him everywhere!!


  19. thanks for sharing! I've come away from this feeling uplifted.
    When I first started reading this post I had somewhat of a long face but seeing how your dealing with your adversities and problems is really amazing (not to mention very inspiring).
    I think you're heading in the right direction and admire your strength because doing the right thing is WORK.
    I hope you keep up the great spirit!
    Hugs to you!

  20. Olivia: thanks for your encouragement!! <3

  21. thank you for posting this. i have been feeling like this for a while. it comes and goes, but those feelings have been lingering for a while now. like you i've prayed to God, but haven't really sought him out or truly put all my faith and trust in him. it seems that when i'm more distanced from him is when life feels that much harder. this is an encouraging blog in that you're helping many of us out here in the blogosphere realize that we're not alone and we don't have to go at alone. you're also being proactive and and surrounded by positive sources (God, your mom, your husband, etc.)

    although i'm new to your blog, you truly seem to be a very strong person and i believe you'll make it through this "bump" in the road on this journey we call life.

  22. Thank you Tina! I'm sorry you've been feeling like this too. It's no fun, but God is just cutting off our unrefined parts ;) If you ever need a friend to talk to I'm here, I know how hard it is to talk about stuff when everyones expecting you to just smile. One thing I keep reminding myself is that God won't give me more than I can handle ;)

  23. I love that you opened up. its hard getting personal, but i can totally relate to you. i too have suffered from depression and anxiety, and sometimes Im scared it will come back, but your right, God doesn't give us more than we can handle, and we can always choose to turn the situation around.

  24. Thank you and you're absolutely right! I love the idea of God "cutting off our unrefined parts." It's a great way to think about it. I think I might take you up on your offer. :)

  25. THANK YOU so much for sharing this!!! I know of a few people who I think would really benefit from reading it (as I did) so I'm going to pass it along.
    I hope you are feeling better now :)

  26. Tina: please do :D any time!!!

    Suzanne: I'm glad that people can benefit from this <3 I think that's what all these moments are for....:D