This past week has been a hard week for me filled with heartache, sadness, lack of motivation, and tears.
I haven't really been able to write much because, well, my point of writing to you all is to encourage, not to drag any of you down. I feel as though I must share this though. This is for anyone who is feeling this way at this moment.
I shared with my mom the other day how I felt the depression was finding it's way back. Each day a little more sadness had been added and it was getting harder to fight off. Motivation had fleeted from me which made it harder each day to force myself to do something, keep myself afloat. Once again, I just wanted to hide from the world in my little cave. There's an uncomfortableness I feel when I'm around people I know when I'm at this state because I fear they can see right through me, see that my heart is aching, see my weakness. At that same moment, I don't have the energy to fake a smile, so instead, I disconnect myself from the world as though there's no existence.
My mom is the greatest though, she never looks down or judges me, instead gives me words of comfort, encouragement, and always sets my eyes on where they should be, without negating my feelings.
Last week she told me to check out a teaching by Jon Courson, called, The "Defacto" savior. Of course, me being stubborn and feeling "I didn't have time" I put it off...until today...until the moment I felt desperate.
These questions came up while listening...I ask you to write these down and answer them when you have some time to yourself. Maybe you'll learn something about yourself..I know I did.
- Who or what am I serving? - we all serve something...
- Who is my "De Facto" (Infact) savior? - What does this mean? (See question 3).
- Who or what do I turn to when I'm depressed? Anxious? Worried? Afraid? Despaired?
- What is the first thing you grab?? whether the remote control, video games, computer, food? alcohol? drugs? sex? God?
My "De Facto" savior has been video games (WOW) I used it as a place of escape from reality, a place I didn't have to think about any worries or pain. I realized this and gave it up..but I did not realize until now...I had others.
My computer...When I'm depressed, I run straight to my computer. Looking for a source of happiness out there whether in a blog, video, or pictures..internally I cry out DISTRACT ME! SAVE ME! HELP ME!
Food...I either eat a lot or don't eat at all when I'm down..hoping somehow I'll eat away my pain which only causes more pain when I look in the mirror...such a conundrum.
Bed....I just lay in bed...thinking...or wanting to sleep so I can sleep through it all. A refuge of escape.
Alex...(my husband) When I'm down I expect that he will help me and get me out of this depression, but that is too much responsibility to put on one person. He is human, how can I put that kind of pressure on him, when the ONLY one who can truly comfort me is God.
There's a story in 2 Chronicles 16:12, if you don't have a bible just click 2 Chronicles 16
, this story is about a man named Asa who loved God and he did what was right in the eyes of the Lord. As time went on he got a disease on his feet (for us this may be, depression, financial problems, relationship problems, school, physical issues)and in this time Asa did not seek out God but instead the physicians.
This isn't saying Dr.s are bad, but who or what do we run to first at the sight of a problem!?
He didn't ask, "Lord help me! What do you want from me? What can I do for you?"
and honestly, I haven't either. I have ran to everything else but God. Sure I've prayed, but I have not sought out God. I have not poured out my heart to God. (and then I wonder how I've gotten this way).
Instead of pouring out to God I have been more like these guys in Judges 10:
11The LORD said to the sons of Israel, "Did I not deliver you from the Egyptians, the Amorites, the sons of Ammon, and the Philistines?
12"Also when the Sidonians, the Amalekites and the Maonites oppressed you, you cried out to Me, and I delivered you from their hands.
13"Yet you have forsaken Me and served other gods; therefore I will no longer deliver you.
14"Go and cry out to the gods which you have chosen; let them deliver you in the time of your distress."
God has delivered me from SOOOOO much throughout my life, and yet, I have forsaken him and served objects, these little "gods", such as my computer, music, myself, my husband, video games, anything and everything, asking them to help me, to give me instant relief,but I have not sought out my God. When nothing else can be my "De Facto" Infact Savior!
God's heart breaks for us, who else's really would?
Who or what are you serving? Who or what is your "De Facto" Savior?
I feel so ashamed, that all along, my Savior has been here, stretching out His hand to help me, and I've pushed it away, saying, "these things" will save me.
If you guys would like to listen to it you can go here ->http://www.joncourson.com/teaching/teachingsplay.asp?teaching=T453
Hope you guys enjoy, don't put it off like I did.